IT IS A BIG DEAL TO ME

I understand that in the larger scheme of things losing one’s hair is a very small thing.  But guess what?  Being told by well-meaning people that I ‘just need to get over it,’ that ‘it will grow back,’ that I should ‘just embrace my bald head;’ none of these are helpful to me right now.  It is disrespectful and even hurtful.  That may have been your experience, but, as of right now, it isn’t mine.  I am sad, and I cannot even cry about it, as I am still in shock and my tears are still stuck in my body.  I think the hardest thing  is now I actually look sick.  While I still had my hair, I may have been sick, but I still looked relatively normal.  Now, not so much.

So tomorrow morning I am going back to the salon to get my head shaved.

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NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN MY LIFE

Is this a good thing?  Well, at times it can be very exciting.  At others, not so much.  It seems I barely get through one thing and another rears its not-so-pretty head.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that whatever it is, it moves us along our path.  Take my sexual assault–I knew right from the moment it happened that it would teach me many things, that it was, in fact, necessary to get me to the next phase of my life.  And as difficult as it was, I was okay with it.  Truth be told, though I am 98% healed from that whole ordeal, I still have certain triggers that set me off and either make me cry or really piss me off.  I am beginning to realize this may be a life-long thing, that I will never be 100% over it.  This, too, is okay.

For what is happening now in my life, however, I am definitely not seeing the big picture yet.  I know I am still in shock, and it still does not seem real.  Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  This is something I never, ever, ever thought would happen in my life.  I have no family history of any type of cancer.  I am super active and have been my entire life; I mostly eat very cleanly, though I definitely have a serious sugar addiction, which I fight sometimes more successfully than others.  Still, overall, as my wonderful husband put it the other day, “You look too beautiful and too healthy to be sick.”

Currently I am being biopsied and ultrasounded and MRId and PET scanned and poked and prodded to make sure I am, in fact, as healthy as I look.  The type of breast cancer I have is very rare; I am triple positive, which as I understand it means that estrogen, progesterone and a hormone called Her2 are over-expressing and have caused a tumor to form.  As of right now, I begin chemo on Tuesday.

I have told very few people of my diagnosis, until this very moment, that is.  I am still getting used to it and talking about it makes it more real, which I don’t want it to be.  My reason for sharing this with all of you is I am asking for your prayers.  I do know that prayer is powerful and I need all the help I can get.  Thank you in advance.

So begins another journey I do not wish to be on.

TRUST

Before I get back to my ‘regularly scheduled program,’ I want to do a New Year’s Special Post.  You have probably seen on Facebook or another blog that you follow the thing about choosing a word for the new year.  I’ve done it in past years and kind of was skipping over it this year.  But, funny how those things work because as I was just walking home from doing some errands, the word TRUST popped into my head.  I thought, okay, maybe that’s a sign, maybe that should be my word this year.  Really, with so many to choose from, like gratitude, joy, love, adventure, peace, or any number of other great choices and because I wasn’t even thinking about it at all, I think TRUST is perfect for me.

I TRUST that everything is working out.  I TRUST that I am right where I am supposed to be. I TRUST that I am doing just what I am meant to do.  I TRUST that everything happens for a reason.  I TRUST that even if it may not seem like it at the time, everything truly is happening for my highest good and to make me a better person.  I TRUST that the right people, the people who can be helped by my story, will read my story.  I TRUST that even in the darkest hour, there is light.  I TRUST that I am safe.  I TRUST that even behind the clouds the sun is shining.  I TRUST that I am making a difference.   I TRUST that all my dreams are coming true.  I TRUST that everything happens in perfect and Divine timing.

I TRUST that I am loved.

What’s your word for this year?