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About atlonglastheard

Your life can change in a split second and mine did just that on 24 September 2011. In the years since my attack, I have continued on my healing journey. It has taken far longer than I anticipated and has taken detours I never suspected would occur. It is a journey, though, and all that has happened just moves me forward, which is a good thing. My purpose for this web site is to tell my story and to encourage others in similar journeys. In this country (USA) the subjects of sexual assault and suicide are still very taboo. It is my intention to change that. If you know someone that could benefit from this site, PLEASE, PLEASE pass along my web site and or email address (atlonglastheard@gmail.com). It really is that important.

A CREATIVE LIFE

When I was 5 or 6 years old,  I wanted doll clothes for my Barbie dolls, but my mother wouldn’t buy them for me.  She said,”They are too expensive, and they are not made very well.”  So if I didn’t want naked dolls, I had to learn how to sew.  If you ask her, she’ll tell you that she taught me to sew.   This isn’t true, although I am certain she helped me to the best of her ability.   My grandmother, her mother, was the one who really taught me.  Since my entire reason for learning how to sew was to make doll clothes, this was pretty much all I made for the first couple of years.  By hand.  I cannot remember exactly when I graduated to a sewing machine, but I do remember the first dress I made for myself when I was 8 years old.  It had 3 arm holes (on purpose) and was a wrap-around dress.  It had only the side and shoulder seams, and the whole dress was banded on the raw edges, so really easy.  I chose a yellow (we are talking school bus yellow) kettle cloth, which I do not even think is made anymore, and orange binding.  Yikes!  What I wouldn’t give to still have that dress, though.   As far as I know, there isn’t even a picture of it.  Bummer!  By nine, I could install a zipper, and I do have a picture of that dress:

old family pictures

I continued sewing, mainly because my mother would buy me fabric whenever I wanted it.  Unlike today, fabric used to be inexpensive, and it was far cheaper to sew your own clothes.  I never had to worry about anyone wearing the same thing as I had on.  I never took Home Economics because by that time I was too far advanced.  The truth is, I could have taught the class.  I did make money sewing while in high school.  I was on the swim team and every Friday before a meet, we had outfits that we had to wear.  The skirts were some kind of purple cotton, and  I ended up making the skirts for all the girls on the team.  Apparently, no one’s mother sewed.  I probably got $10 a skirt.  I also made and sold Holly Hobbie dolls for $15.  Those things were a lot of work, but, I guess for the time, that was pretty good.  Also, these were not dolls to be played with; they were to be sat on a shelf and admired.  If someone wanted to buy one for their daughter to actually play with, I wouldn’t sell it to them.

I took my sewing machine to college with me and used to get up super early to sew before my first class.   I always had new clothes, and would make my outfits for special occasions, usually the night before.  I was always aware of just how long something would take for me to make and I would always wait until the very last-minute to do it.  Some things never change!

I always sewed.  Except, that is, when I went off to Europe to model.  I could not take my sewing machine with me then.  Whenever I was back in the States for even a week, I would drag out the machine and whip up something to take back with me.  When I moved back to the States for good in September of 1990, I continued to model, but started sewing on the side.  I made vests, teddy bears, all kinds of things.  I retired from modeling sometime in 1992 or 1993, and then realized I had to get a ‘regular’ job.  I got one at Loomcraft (a Calico Corners-type store) in the Wrigleyville neighborhood of Chicago.  The store did custom labor for the home, and though I had never done much of that kind of sewing, other than simple curtains or pillows, I decided that was what I would do.  I worked at Loomcraft for 2 years, until I had enough business to quit and sew full-time.  I am proud to say that I never once poached a customer from the store.  It would have been easy to do that, but it was against the rules.  I built my business back then the same way I do today – word of mouth.  And as anyone who is self-employed knows, you work many more hours a week than 40, but at least you are working for yourself.

Today I am happy that my mother forced me to learn to sew.  It has allowed me to have my own business for the last 23 years.  I have the best clients and each one of them comes to me just as my very first one did.  My business has gone through several name changes through the years until several years ago when I changed it to A Little of This That and the Other.  Even though I only make things for the home, I don’t want to limit myself.  You never know when I might decide it’s time to start a line of t-shirts or bathing suits or yoga clothes.  This way, I’m covered.

I have always lived a creative life and cannot imagine living any other way.  Creating beautiful things for people’s homes gives me great joy.  I get to go into all kinds of houses that I would normally never go into.  I’ve been in 14 different magazines over the years, although this has never gotten me work.  Still, I love to see my work in a magazine.  As of right now, I am awaiting a home in Carlsbad, CA that was shot for Coastal Living and another home on Saint Simons Island, GA in Country Living.  I never know until it comes out exactly which of things I did will end up in the magazine, which is really hard.  But when it finally does come out, I am excited and happy to see my work in print.

My other creative outlet is writing and this web site.  It is a completely different kind of creativity and something I have done for most of my life, as well.  Telling my story, at times, is hard.  I think it is important, if for no other reason than to help me make sense of my life.  And in the process, if I help others, then so much the better.  It’s all a part of the healing process.

YES, I SURVIVED, AND NOW I’M READY TO THRIVE!!!

Three years ago today my life change in ways I could never have imagined.  Two years ago today I started this website to tell my story.  From the very beginning of this incredible journey, I was always very clear on what had to happen in order for me to move forward, to be able to truly put this behind me and get on with my life.  It has taken far longer than anyone ever thought it would.  I like to think I’m completely finished with my healing process, and then BAM, something happens that shows me I’m not quite there yet.  Apparently there isn’t a formula that I can plug all my info into and get a read out that tells me exactly when I’ll be all better.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  Perhaps it is something I will be dealing with, at least to a degree, and when I least expect it, for the rest of my life.  As much as I’d like it to be something that I can simply forget, that doesn’t seem to be the way these things work.

In the interest of honoring myself and my body, on this day of all days, I chose to hike up Cowles Mountain this morning.  I have only done it one other time, 3 1/2 years ago, and today seemed like the day it was important for me to do it again.  At 1593′, it is the highest point in San Diego.  The hike is only 1.5 miles, with an elevation change of 950′.  I got to the top in about 25 minutes.  The picture below is the view part way up.

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This is the view from the top looking west.

IMG_3452 And this is the view to the east.

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It was a beautiful morning, though I wish I had started just a bit earlier.  There were tons of  people going up and down.  I saw several that did the climb more than once.  I thought about it, but decided there was no need in overdoing it, as I am ever so fond of doing.  Tonight I will go to a restorative yoga class at Mosaic in Golden Hill.  Tomorrow I will do my beloved beach yoga with Danell Dwaileebe.  And then I have another appointment with Marsha Bliss, an extraordinarily gifted energy healer.  This is what I posted on Yelp about my session with her last week:  “I have been dealing with the after-effects of a sexual assault for the last 3 years, and though I am almost completely through it, there is still some residual ‘stuff’ hanging on. Since I have been to Marsha a couple of times in the past, knew that she would be able to help me again. My appointment yesterday exceeded even my wildest expectations! I do not understand HOW it works, but trust me when I tell you that it DOES work! By the time she was finished with me, I was literally floating. The only ‘bad’ thing was I had to get in the car and drive home. The feeling stayed with me the rest of the day, and I am still feeling it this morning. Whatever your issue is, I highly recommend that you go and see Marsha Bliss of Bliss Connections.”

(You better believe I am looking forward to my appointment tomorrow!)

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning, part of which I shared on Facebook:

6:28a  After reading my email and posting on Facebook, I’m off to hike Cowles Mountain.  It is a tribute to myself and to all those who have suffered a sexual assault.  Today is a GREAT day!  It is a testament to those who have survived and those who are still struggling to heal.  Today is the third anniversary of my sexual assault.  I honor myself for surviving, and I honor all those who are still in the process of reclaiming their lives.  I am proof of what you can do if you don’t give up.  I celebrate the new me, who is stronger and more determined than ever to not let the worst few minutes of my life determine the rest of my life.  With enthusiasm I choose to move forward.  I choose love.  I am love.  I am loving.  I am lovable. I matter.  My attacker matters.  (Hard words to write, but nonetheless true.)  Without him I would not be where I am right now.  And where I am is in a very good place.  As the title of this post says…I did survive, and I am now ready to thrive!

Going all the way back to one of my very first posts two years ago, I put this quote:

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I have been changed.  I am anything but reduced by what happened to me, though.  I am so much more than I was, and as I already said, without this traumatic event, without a violent sexual assault, I simply would not be who I am today.  All the way up the mountain this morning I repeated STRONG, HEALTHY, HEALED and on the way down I said, I now release all my trauma, I now accept all my good.  It does feel like something has shifted in me.  I smiled the whole way home.  It feels like whatever might still be hanging on will be energetically erased by Marsha tomorrow.  Best of all, I can honestly say that I forgive DCD for what he did to me.  And even more importantly, I FORGIVE MYSELF!!!

 

RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME – 1976

For my 16th birthday, I thought I was going to see The Eagles and Fleetwood Mac perform; instead, I got a trip to a diving camp at De Anza College in Cupertino, CA.  What you have to understand is from as far back as I can remember, I always told my mother I was moving to California.  I just knew I was meant to be here.  I was to be gone for 2 or three weeks (can’t remember now) and would stay with my grandmother in Palo Alto on the weekends and my aunt and uncle in Sunnyvale during the week, so my aunt could take me to diving practice.  I flew into San Jose in the evening, with temperatures in the 80s.  That didn’t bother me in the least, as I lived in Atlanta and we had no air conditioner in the house.  No one did back then.  This was, though, a heat wave and when the temperatures went back to normal, I about froze to death.  I could not wear shorts past 3p.  Seriously!  Anyway, in between my all day diving practice during the week, I still managed to meet a boy, and for the life of me, I cannot remember his name anymore.  He was the son of a friend of my aunt and uncle.  Well, I thought I was in serious love and, unbelievably, he even asked me to marry him!  At 16!  Of course I said yes!  I was 16 and when a boy asks you to marry him at 16, what else would you say?  The fact that we lived clear across the country from each other didn’t seem to be a problem for either of us.  Nor that we were still in high school!  What can I say?  Needless to say, when my time in California was over, I went back to Georgia.  We wrote letters full of, I’m sure, declarations of undying love.

I am sure I’ve mentioned that I grew up with a bunch of monkeys, make that brothers, and to say that we mostly did not get along would be an understatement.  (I so wanted to be an only child.)  My brothers were mean and teased me non-stop.  My mother was not a lot of help.  She would simply say,’ ignore them, they’ll go away.’  Ah, no, not only did they not go away, they continued to make me miserable.  I very much loved my time in California when I was free of them.  So that fall, my junior year of high school, which by the way, I also hated, but that’s another story, I had had enough of them and their juvenile ways.  I decided I needed to get back to where I was the happiest I had ever been, which was California.  I came up with a plan to make that happen.  The only problem was airplane tickets were expensive, and I had no money to speak of.  It wasn’t ideal, but I settled on taking the bus, a 4 day trip.    The ticket, if I remember correctly, was only about $50 compared with about $200 for a one-way flight.  I did not tell anyone, least of all my best friend, Cathy.  It seemed smarter that the less people who knew, the greater my chance of successfully making it across the country would be.

The morning of my departure I took the bus to school as normal, but I packed a bag and hid it in the bushes outside the school.  Part of my plan meant taking MARTA, the public bus system in Atlanta, which I had never done before.  There was a stop across from my high school, and after home room, so that I would not be counted as absent, I walked out the front door, retrieved my suitcase/bag, and crossed the street to the bus stop and boarded the MARTA bus going downtown Atlanta where the Greyhound Bus Terminal was.  I somehow managed to get to the station and purchase my one-way, ’cause I sure wasn’t planning on coming back, ticket and got on the west-bound bus.  I was a little scared, but mostly I was excited to be going back to California.  What I did not understand about buses was they do not take the shortest route to wherever it is they are going.  The bus left around 10a, and we went through Alabama and Mississippi to get to Memphis, Tennessee.  I remember wanting to go and ask the driver if he knew where he was going, but I didn’t want to bring any unnecessary attention to myself.  We finally pulled into the station in Memphis around 6p.  I had a bad feeling that I wasn’t going to make it.  I thought if I could get through Memphis without getting caught, I’d probably make it all the way to San Jose.  No such luck.

As soon as I stepped off the bus the authorities were waiting for me.  They asked if my name was Tamerie Shriver.  I refused to answer and went into the ladies room.  I stayed in there until one of the (men) agents stuck his head and told me I couldn’t stay in there forever.  I shot back, ‘Why not?’  I eventually left the bathroom and they took me to the juvenile detention facility.  They had called my mother as soon as I got off the bus, so she was on her way to get me.  She flew in, and because it was late by that time, we stayed overnight in a Holiday Inn by the airport.  I was fingerprinted and photographed as a runaway, even though I was 16.  Turns out in Georgia and Tennessee you had to be 17 to not be considered a juvenile.  Details, details.

I cried and cried. I cried that entire night.  I cried for the entire flight back to Atlanta.  I was so sad.  Sad to not be going to California, sad to have to go back to my house full of brothers I hated, back to a school I couldn’t stand, back to the life I wanted desperately not to be in.  As it turned out, I never did get in trouble for running away, with my mother or with the authorities.  In order to not have a juvenile record, though, we had to attend family therapy for 12 weeks.   My actions finally got through to my mother, and she agreed to make changes at home so it was more bearable for me.  My brothers were basically forbidden to even talk to me, let alone anything else.  I was sad about my aborted trip for a long time.  And I never stopped wanting to move to California.

I did leave a note that my mother was supposed to get that night when she got home from work.  In it I used the words to Cat Steven’s song Father and Son (I substituted Mother and Daughter, I also did not include all the lyrics, just those that made sense for what I was telling her) to help me express what I had not been able to make her understand:

 

“Father
It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You’re still young, that’s your fault,
There’s so much you have to know.

Son
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It’s always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Father
It’s not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
You’re still young, that’s your fault,
There’s so much you have to go through.
Son

All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,

It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it.

If they were right, I’d agree, but it’s them you know not me.

Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.”

 

Let’s just say, it made sense to me at the time, and bottom-line, it did get my point across and everything seem to change after that.

 

 

UPLIFTING THE WORLD

Today’s post is not written by me, but by Jane Beach.  She is a recently retired minister of Conscious Living Center in Mt. View, California.  She is the author of this month’s Daily Guides in Science of Mind Magazine.  Today’s reading…

 

“I UPLIFT THE WORLD

“A life lived of choice is a life of conscious action.”  ~Neale Donald Walsch

“In the independence of your own mentality, believe and feel that you are wonderful.  This is not conceit, it is truth.”  ~The Science of Mind, page 307

 

Every single time I make the decision to treat myself gently, I send peace to the world.  Every time I forgive myself, the world feels the effects of my forgiveness.  My self-respect and self-forgiveness return me to the beauty of who I truly am, which stirs the energy of love in me and sends it out into the world.  There’s a positive power in focusing on possibility, looking for the good in everything, finding something to be grateful for, trusting that life is on my side, sensing that I’m okay and letting others know that they’re okay, too. My optimism adds to the world’s healing.

Life reminds me of what’s possible.  If trees know when to let go of dying leaves so that new buds can form, I can let go of negativity to make room for peace and joy.  If birds can fly hundreds of miles to fulfill their life’s purpose, I can take the next step to live my dreams.  If sidewalks develop cracks so that a tiny seed can take hold in the earth below, I can adjust to that which is trying to grow within me.  My willingness to change helps uplift the world.

We all stretch and grow in our own way and time, gaining confidence, breaking through the old and embracing the new.  Every single time we say “Yes!” to our life, we bless a world that embraces us all.

 

AFFIRMATION: Every time I treat myself gently, I uplift the world.  In each instance that I focus on possibility, I become a power for healing.  Today, I do my part to bless a world that embraces us all.”

MUST KEEP MOVING

Sometimes it is just physically moving my body that gets me through the day.  Even when I don’t necessarily feel like getting up and walking, I do it anyway.  It’s like I can’t help it.  Luckily, it is such an ingrained habit, that I really don’t have to think about it.   And these days it is even more important than ever.  I have been feeling ‘off’ the last week or so.  I attribute this to the fact that the third anniversary of my attack is coming up.  And, possibly, because a friend of mine came very close to dying,  Actually, she did die, and was resuscitated.  This brings up such dark, negative, sad feelings.  I don’t want to feel them, and yet, here they are.  That’s why it is so vital that I move my body, even when I don’t want to.  On some level, heck, every level, it is helping with my state of mind.  I feel certain that I will get through this as long as I keep moving.

And keep in mind:

 

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ALWAYS CHOOSE KINDNESS

Words are powerful.  They can build up, and they can tear down.  A careless comment can profoundly hurt in ways the speaker never intended, or, perhaps, way worse is to purposely hurt another.  For many years now, for as long as I can remember, I have never really cared what people think about me.  As it is often said, your opinion about me is none of my business.  And it should not matter what people say or think about you; what matters is what you say and think about yourself.   I happen to know who I am and what matters to me.  And if you don’t like it or don’t agree with my beliefs, I’m okay with that.  It simply does not matter to me.  The same goes for you and your beliefs…we do not have to agree, and I don’t think it should matter to you if I think differently than you do.  Live and let live is my motto.  I am very careful when I speak because I know that while it is possible to forgive something said in anger or even carelessly, it is never possible to un-hear it, or un-read it, if sent in a letter or email.

What I do NOT understand is why so many people seem to be threatened by those of us who hear the beat of a different drum?  Why must everyone be exactly the same?  Are you trying to tear me down to build yourself up?  Are you unhappy in your own life and somehow think that insulting me will make your life better?

I think that most people think they are unique, that there is something in them that makes them different from anyone else.  Most people do not go around thinking, oh, I’m just like every other person I know.  Quite the opposite, I believe, is true.  And yet, if we don’t wear the ‘right’ clothes or drive the ‘right’ car or go to the ‘right’ school we are somehow considered ‘wrong.’  Maybe even worse, we are considered eccentric or weird.  Really?  REALLY?  Case in point, me…I happen to drive a 1996 Volkswagen Golf, model Harlequin Special Edition.  My car is one of the rarest VWs ever made.  There are only 70 of this version.  I love my car, which, by the way, is named Grazelda.  Seriously, if ever there was a car that needed a name, it’s my car.

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So, if you don’t like me because of the car I drive, I have only two words for you, but because I do my best to be kind, I won’t actually say them.  At least not out loud.  You better believe I’m thinking them, though.  But because my intention is kindness, the first two (unkind) words I thought fade, and the next two I think are, ‘your loss.’  And you are entitled to your opinion, but why do you think it’s okay to blurt it out?  Under the guise of ‘helping’ me, it has been suggested that as long as I drive such an automobile, I will never meet a man, because we are judged by others, and with my car, I will be judged as eccentric, and, apparently, no man wants a friend/girlfriend/wife who is seen as eccentric and different.  Well, all I can say is if you don’t like me because of Grazelda, you are not the type of person I would want to be friends with, let alone anything more than that.  I also have to say that I have never had anyone like me and then ‘meet’ my car and say, oh, sorry, I cannot possible like you anymore because you don’t drive a beige car like half the population.  Ridiculous, huh?

For me, it all comes down to…is it kind to say something, and if it isn’t, I DO NOT say it.  EVER.  Because, as I already said, you can never un-hear something.  And as for judging others, as the saying goes:

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”  ~Wayne Dyer

 

FINALLY, THE LAST PIECE FALLS INTO PLACE

I have been trying, for over 2 years, since the D.A. showed it to me at one of the court dates, before we ever got to the sentencing, to get a copy of the letter that DCD wrote to me, at the urging of the police, after he was in custody.  When I first read it, I did not believe a word of what he had written.  When I read again last week, I still do not believe a word he wrote.  And I’ll get to that in a moment.  Getting a copy of it proved to be far worse than pulling teeth.  At least with that, you go to the dentist, tell him to pull your tooth and he does it.  At the time, March or April or May of 2012 (who can remember?) I was told that I could not have a copy because it was not mine to have.  Well, that wasn’t exactly correct, but, then again, so much of what the D.A. told me wasn’t exactly correct.  So, I waited.

When I was told by the Probation Department that I was entitled to the file pertaining to DCD, I requested a copy.  I thought for sure the letter would be included.  Nope.  So, I waited some more.  After the sentencing hearing, I waited a few days before going to the Coronado Police Department to request a copy of the file.  That’s when I found out that he (his attorney) had filed an appeal, and because of that, the case was considered ongoing and could not be released.  Okay, eventually, his appeal was settled and I went again to request a copy of it.  Again, I was put off.  I was, however, told that technically the letter was mine as it had been written to me, and I wanted that letter.

More months went by, and I’d go again to the Police Station, and, again, no one could seem to make it happen.  There was always some excuse about why it could not be released to me.  I’d go away for a while, but I never gave up wanting it or biding my time until I’d try again.  Then a few weeks ago I thought it was time to make my seemingly pointless trip to the Police Department.  The day I went the Sergeant was out of the building because of an incident on the bridge, which is code for a jumper.  That was fine, I didn’t need to talk to her, I just wanted a copy of my letter.  I had been asking for a copy of the file, but the truth was I already had that.  I only lacked the letter.  So, I once again filled out a request for MY letter.  I left, expecting I’d hear back that afternoon or the next day.  Well, that didn’t happen.  It took about a week,and honestly, I had kind of forgotten about it.  Again.

I was uptown and my cell phone rang.  I did not recognize the number, but knew it was a Coronado number, so I answered it.  “This is the Coronado Police Department.  We have a copy of the letter you requested.  Do you want to pick it up?  Or do you want me to email it to you?”  I told her I’d pick it up on my way home, thank you very much!

It was in a sealed envelope.  I did not want to open it until I was at home, glasses on my face so I could actually see to read it.  When I finally did open and read it, luckily, I felt nothing.  In this case, nothing is good.  Then I read it again, and thought, he is such a liar.  I don’t believe a word he wrote.  This is what he wrote:

 

“I would like to tell you that I’m deeply sorry for the way I treated you.  I had no intention of assaulting you.  I knew you were terrified.  It also hurt me inside, I was doing something to you that I’ve never wanted to do to anybody.  After the incident I ran over to the police department because I knew what I did was wrong.  Please find it in your heart to forgive me.

Sincerely,

DCD”

 

Okay, let’s take this line by line — ‘I would like to tell you that I’m deeply sorry for the way that I treated you.’  Well, you may be sorry, but I’m guessing only because you got caught and you didn’t get to do what you actually intended to do, which was rape me.  And the ‘way you treated’ me was you slammed me to the pavement, ripped my clothes off and were preparing to beat the shit out of me when my guardian angel arrived.  ‘I had no intention of assaulting you.’  Ah, yeah, you did.  You were out trolling, and when you saw me and I fit the ‘type’ you were hoping to find, my fate was sealed.  You turned around and followed me, getting up your nerve to attack me, and when you decided the time was right, you ran at me as fast as you could, hitting me, taking me down, where you had every intention of raping me.  ‘It also hurt me inside…’  Oh, please!  You never wanted to do something like this to anyone?  Of course you did.  You planned it and I fit very nicely into your plan.  What you didn’t count on was me fighting back.  And you sure did not count on someone coming along and saving my life.  ‘After the incident I ran over to the police department…’  Another big, fat lie.  While it is true that the police picked you up in the 700 block of Orange Avenue and the Police Department happens to be in the 700 block of Orange Avenue, they picked you up 12 1/2 hours after you claim to have run over there.  You expect me to believe you sat there for 12 1/2 hours just waiting for them to notice you?  Hardly.  ‘…because I knew what I did was wrong.’  No shit!  Of course you knew what you did was wrong.  As for me finding it in my heart to forgive you, well, I am still working on that, though I have to say that I am pretty close.  This feels like the last piece of the entire puzzle and because it is now in place, I can finally put it all behind me.  Well, as far as I can while still talking and writing about it in the larger context of my life.

 

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

So much has been written about Robin Williams’ suicide this past Monday.  I have read most of it.  In the end, what I’ll say about it is this:  you will never know what someone else is going through.  Never.  It’s not possible, unless he or she decides to share it with us.  Just because someone is funny does not mean he or she is not depressed.  Just because someone has financial security does not mean that he or she is not depressed.  Just because we think someone ‘has it all’ does not mean there isn’t a battle going on inside.  You simply cannot tell by looking at someone, especially if that someone does not want you to know, what is happening inside.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…as someone who has battled and lived with depression for most of my life, I hid it very well.  It is possible to go out and laugh and smile and act as though all is well, when inside you are slowly dying.  And it’s not a matter of being strong enough to fight the good fight.  You can fight and fight and fight, and at some point, you may get tired of fighting.  You just want the pain to stop.  It really is that simple.

Mental illness, suicide, sexual assault, rape… none of these are pleasant subjects; and yet, all of us are touched by them at some point in our lives, whether directly or indirectly, and it would behoove us to be more open about them all.  Is it easy to talk about for most people?  No.  It’s can be very difficult.  And it is very necessary, I think.  There is a lot shame and judgement surrounding all of them, and that makes people reluctant to talk about them.

There are a lot of people who think that committing suicide is a selfish act.  Jenny Doh wore a great post on this very subject.  As she said, it is not about you or me.  It is about the person who wants the pain to end and comes to the decision that the only way is through death.  If you’ve never been there, you cannot possibly understand.  And though I find it hard to believe, there actually are people who have never felt that kind of despair.  I know a few.  Or they are lying about it.  Most, though, have had the idea at least make an appearance, however briefly.   This is the comment I left on Jenny’s post:

“Depression is a chemical imbalance in your body/brain.  It runs in families.  I have lost two brothers to suicide.  I have been seriously close to ending my own life.  I got the help I needed.  Jenny, you are absolutely right about suicide not being about you or me, but about the person who does it or attempts to do it.  I can totally understand wanting to make the pain stop.  Someone who has never felt the utter despair and hopelessness that a deep clinical depression can bring, cannot understand how this truly feels.  I would go so far as to say that no one takes his or her own life on the spur of the moment, simply because of a bad day.  Many months, years or decades of pain, whether physical or emotional or both, contribute to such an act.”

I also feel like there are different ways to kill yourself that are not even considered suicide.  Abusing drugs and alcohol are two of them.  And overeating is probably one, too.  As the saying goes, everyone is fighting some kind of a battle.  Some are more obvious than others.  Mental illness, though, usually is not so apparent.  And as long as there is so much judgement surrounding it, people will remain reluctant to speak about their struggles.  Sadly, it takes the suicide of a well-known and well-loved celebrity to get people talking about it.  My hope is that, however hard it is, that we continue the dialogue even after the media attention has died down.  As I’ve said from the beginning, and the second anniversary of this site is just a little over a month away, my purpose for sharing my story is because I believe passionately that we need to talk about these hard subjects so that we can, hopefully, make a difference in the lives of those who are suffering.

My heart goes out to the family and friends of Robin Williams.  I believe he did the best he could and stayed in this world as long as he was able to.  May you find some kind of peace in knowing that his pain has stopped.

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A SECRET GARDEN, OF SORTS

I was born a poor black child…I was born a coal miner’s daughter…okay, neither of these is my story.  I was born in Morgantown, West Virginia, though no one in my family was a coal miner.  Or a hillbilly, for that matter.  In about 1967 my grandparents bought a hotel in Kingwood, WV.  It seemed giant to me, but it probably was not big at all.  Because my mother was doing her medical school internship after she graduated in 1966, and because she had divorced my father in 1964, and because we (my 3 brothers, though I used to tell people I had 3 monkeys, and I) were less than well-behaved children, which resulted in our live-in housekeeper/babysitter always quitting and leaving my mother without child care, we spent a lot of time at The Inn.  The really funny thing (now) is it was only about 24 miles away from where we lived.  In those days, though, people did not commute, at least not in West Virginia.  This was also long before an interstate highway even existed there, and the road between Morgantown and Kingwood was a curvy, twisty, 2-lane mountain road traveled by coal trucks.  So (in the summer, at least) my mother would take us to Kingwood and leave us for weeks at a time.  Oh, she’d come visit us when she had a day off, though in my mind, she just dumped us there for long periods of time.  (I am willing to allow that my memory might be a little skewed here.)

The truth is I liked going there because I got my own room.  Until we moved to Georgia in 1970, I shared a room with two of my monkeys, I mean, brothers.  (Yuck!)  At The Inn, though, if it was available, and my recollection is that it was almost always available, I got room 15.  I also liked room 14, mainly, because it has a full-sized bed, but it was on what was probably the north side of the building and was always dark.  Room 15 was much brighter and had two twin beds, side by side, but made separately.  I always slept in the bed the furthest from the door.  Of course, I had my own bathroom, which was also nice.  And it had a television.  We were not allowed to watch tv at home.  We would sneak and watch it, but as soon as we heard my mother’s car, we would quickly turn it off.  This was in the days that the tv took forever to go off.  The picture would shrink into a small dot in the center of the screen before it eventually disappeared completely.  All my mother would have had to do was touch the cabinet to know it had been on, though I do not remember her doing this.  So, since I was not supposed to watch it, alone in room 15, you better believe I did.  There were probably just 3 or 4 channels, though, unlike today with hundreds, especially at a hotel.  For some reason it was not all that appealing when I could, literally, watch it all day long and no one would have known or told me not to.

But what I mostly did alone in my room, for hours and days on end, was make paper dolls.  And I made up stories for each of them.  Each had an envelope that she ‘lived’ in, with her name and age written on the outside.  I only made 2 male paper dolls, and one was the father in the only family I ever made, and the other was a teenager, who, basically, was the boyfriend of whichever girl I decided was worthy of him that week.  This was the late 60s and I continued to make them into the mid-70s.  I was very much a tomboy, but also loved playing with dolls, making paper dolls and sewing and designing my own clothes.  (Some things never change, I guess!)  The clothes I made for these paper dolls definitely reflect the time period – lots of bell-bottom pants, big, puffy sleeves, short skirts, body suits and a lot of red, white and blue.

You need to keep in mind that I was not good at drawing, especially faces, so these dolls are really pretty ugly.  I could have taken 100s of pictures, but I limited myself to these few:

The first is my teenage boy, who I named Danny Brown –

 

 

DSCN3282 Mellisa was always my favorite and the one I thought was the prettiest –DSCN3280 Erica Madison was the ‘smart’ one and because of this, DSCN3279she wore glasses, which also came off.DSCN3284This was the model of the group,

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and because of that, she had tons of clothes.  More than the others, though they had a fair amount, as well.  And she also had a body double that you can see on the far right.  She’s the only one I ever did that for, and, now, I have no idea why.
DSCN3291What I used to make the dolls and their clothes was the  card stock-weight paper that I got out of the panty hose packages that my mother bought.  (Looks like I was repurposing long before this was even a word!)  I would draw the girl and then cut her out.  I almost always gave them long hair, which presented a problem to make their clothes fit.  My solution to this was to use the pointy end of the scissors and make a small hole at the shoulder/neck line and then the clothes would always fit properly.  I would then color the doll and cover her with tape.  This was so the clothes would be removable without ripping the doll.  Also, the paper dolls that were store-bought then came with clothes that had little tabs that you folded over, and they never worked.  The clothes always fell off.  The tape method worked really well.  What I did not take into account was that tape discolors over time and all the clothes, in most of the envelopes, are stuck together now.  Oh well.

As silly as this may seem now, being in room 15 and making up stories and lives for my paper doll friends was something I loved doing.  It keep me away from my brothers, and it allowed me to be creative and to indulge that creativity.  I like the idea of making a new paper doll right now.  Of course, I still cannot draw very well and I’m not sure what the solution for the tape problem might be…perhaps glue that dries clear over the body of the girl (because I’m sure I’d stick to girl paper dolls, just like before) but then now to keep the clothes on?  Or I’ll just visit with my old paper doll friends…

DEPRESSION…AND HAPPINESS

Is it possible to be both depressed and happy?  Common sense would tend towards no.  But I’m thinking that it is possible to be both, at the same time, without even being aware of it, especially if your ‘normal’ state is some degree of depression.  I think that depression runs the gamut from mild sadness occasionally all the way to severe clinical depression.  I cannot honestly remember a time that I was not depressed, though if asked now, I would say I am happy.  What does that mean?  Being happy?  Obviously, happiness is subjective.  What makes me happy will not necessarily make you happy, and vice versa.

I can remember clearly the first time I was aware that I really didn’t want to be in this world.  I was 14 years old.  As I am thinking about this, though, I suspect that this idea occurred to me when I was far younger.  I simply do not remember.  Much of my childhood is a blur. I have very few actual memories, but knowing myself as I do, it makes sense that it would have come up long before I was 14.  So much more is known and understood these days about depression and the genetic link.  I am definitely predisposed to suffering from it.  My brother and uncle (my mother’s brother) are both diagnosed bipolar.  I believe that my grandmother, though not diagnosed, also suffered from it.  And plain old depression runs rampant in my family.  Two of my brothers have died as a result of it.  It is something I continue to struggle with, though certainly not to the degree I have in the past.

I think part of the reason that depression is still so misunderstood and seen by many as some kind of weakness, is because it is possible to live with it and function almost normally.   I did it for many years before I finally took the antidepressants I needed to get my chemicals back in balance.  I’m sure I even had times that I felt happy in the midst of my suffering.   I remember when my grandmother found out I was taking an antidepressant, she said, “You’re not depressed.”  Ha!  I told her that just because she didn’t see it did not mean it wasn’t there.   I was very good at hiding it from everyone.  I knew for years, and other than a few attempts at therapy, I did nothing about it.  My mother’s attitude was, buck up and stop feeling like you do.  Oh, okay.  Too bad I didn’t think of that.  Unfortunately, that is the attitude of a lot of people.  If you were stronger you could do it.  It does not work that way.  If your chemicals are truly out of balance, no amount of wishing, hoping, talk therapy, exercise or anything else is going to change it.  You must get the help you need.  What made me finally break down and admit I had to go on medication was being in Key West, the sun shining and I was feeling nothing but darkness.  I thought, oh crap, my therapist is right, I do have to take something.  I was always able, when I lived in Chicago, to blame it on the weather and the lack of sunshine, which were definitely contributing factors.  But when I was in sunshine and warmth and still had such negative feelings, I knew the time had come.

When I got back to Chicago, I asked my therapist for a recommendation of a psychiatrist so that I could do what needed to be done.  When I first went to him (I do not even remember his name now) and he confirmed that, indeed, I needed medication, I asked how long I would have to take it.  He told me that usually a year, maybe a little longer was considered ‘normal.’  I said, “Okay, but that’s as long as I plan to take it.  No longer.”  He agreed, and I continued with my therapist and once a month saw him as well.  All I can really say about the drugs were they accomplished what needed to be done.  I have always described the process of being on them as hateful.  I was first prescribed Prozac, which just about killed me.  Every bad side-effect that was possible to get, I got.  Finally, he changed it to Wellbutrin and though I hated it too, it was not quite as bad as the Prozac had been.  In the end I took it for 14 months, and when I was done, that was it.  Luckily, he agreed, and I went off of it.  I felt better than I had in years.  At the time, too, I asked if I would ever have to take it again.  He told me that I might, that there was no way to really know, sometimes people did and sometimes they didn’t.  There have been times when I thought maybe I should probably be on something again, but until my attack, I never seriously considered it.

If you’ve been reading this blog all along, then you already know what happened when I attempted to take something for my depression, post attack.  Because I had had such a negative experience with antidepressants, even though they did help me, I really did not want to take one if I could somehow do it more naturally.  So, Suzie, my amazing therapist, recommended St John’s Wort, which is an herb.  I thought this was a suitable compromise.  Well, just as the prozac almost killed me, the St John’s Wort almost made me kill myself by jumping off the Coronado Bridge.  Thing is, I did not realize it was the pills, I just thought I wasn’t getting better.  I did not tell anyone, including Suzie, for a couple of weeks.  I finally told her and she immediately knew it was the supplement that was causing the problem.  I had to wean off of it, but because of that and the fact that every other thing I had tried taking and had had such a bad response to, I was afraid to try anything else.  I had to white-knuckle it the rest of my therapy.  As I’ve said before, my depression after my sexual assault was situational, not clinical, and I was able to do it.

Ask me if I’m happy now, and I’ll say YES.  Some times I am happier than other times, and I still have issues that definitely challenge me, but, over all, I am happy.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

 

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