Three years ago today my life change in ways I could never have imagined. Two years ago today I started this website to tell my story. From the very beginning of this incredible journey, I was always very clear on what had to happen in order for me to move forward, to be able to truly put this behind me and get on with my life. It has taken far longer than anyone ever thought it would. I like to think I’m completely finished with my healing process, and then BAM, something happens that shows me I’m not quite there yet. Apparently there isn’t a formula that I can plug all my info into and get a read out that tells me exactly when I’ll be all better. Wouldn’t that be nice? Perhaps it is something I will be dealing with, at least to a degree, and when I least expect it, for the rest of my life. As much as I’d like it to be something that I can simply forget, that doesn’t seem to be the way these things work.
In the interest of honoring myself and my body, on this day of all days, I chose to hike up Cowles Mountain this morning. I have only done it one other time, 3 1/2 years ago, and today seemed like the day it was important for me to do it again. At 1593′, it is the highest point in San Diego. The hike is only 1.5 miles, with an elevation change of 950′. I got to the top in about 25 minutes. The picture below is the view part way up.
This is the view from the top looking west.
It was a beautiful morning, though I wish I had started just a bit earlier. There were tons of people going up and down. I saw several that did the climb more than once. I thought about it, but decided there was no need in overdoing it, as I am ever so fond of doing. Tonight I will go to a restorative yoga class at Mosaic in Golden Hill. Tomorrow I will do my beloved beach yoga with Danell Dwaileebe. And then I have another appointment with Marsha Bliss, an extraordinarily gifted energy healer. This is what I posted on Yelp about my session with her last week: “I have been dealing with the after-effects of a sexual assault for the last 3 years, and though I am almost completely through it, there is still some residual ‘stuff’ hanging on. Since I have been to Marsha a couple of times in the past, knew that she would be able to help me again. My appointment yesterday exceeded even my wildest expectations! I do not understand HOW it works, but trust me when I tell you that it DOES work! By the time she was finished with me, I was literally floating. The only ‘bad’ thing was I had to get in the car and drive home. The feeling stayed with me the rest of the day, and I am still feeling it this morning. Whatever your issue is, I highly recommend that you go and see Marsha Bliss of Bliss Connections.”
(You better believe I am looking forward to my appointment tomorrow!)
This is what I wrote in my journal this morning, part of which I shared on Facebook:
6:28a After reading my email and posting on Facebook, I’m off to hike Cowles Mountain. It is a tribute to myself and to all those who have suffered a sexual assault. Today is a GREAT day! It is a testament to those who have survived and those who are still struggling to heal. Today is the third anniversary of my sexual assault. I honor myself for surviving, and I honor all those who are still in the process of reclaiming their lives. I am proof of what you can do if you don’t give up. I celebrate the new me, who is stronger and more determined than ever to not let the worst few minutes of my life determine the rest of my life. With enthusiasm I choose to move forward. I choose love. I am love. I am loving. I am lovable. I matter. My attacker matters. (Hard words to write, but nonetheless true.) Without him I would not be where I am right now. And where I am is in a very good place. As the title of this post says…I did survive, and I am now ready to thrive!
Going all the way back to one of my very first posts two years ago, I put this quote:
I have been changed. I am anything but reduced by what happened to me, though. I am so much more than I was, and as I already said, without this traumatic event, without a violent sexual assault, I simply would not be who I am today. All the way up the mountain this morning I repeated STRONG, HEALTHY, HEALED and on the way down I said, I now release all my trauma, I now accept all my good. It does feel like something has shifted in me. I smiled the whole way home. It feels like whatever might still be hanging on will be energetically erased by Marsha tomorrow. Best of all, I can honestly say that I forgive DCD for what he did to me. And even more importantly, I FORGIVE MYSELF!!!