From my journal:
4 October 1987
“I’m getting sick. My throat is infected. I don’t feel too bad but not good either. Maybe today will be busy and go kind of fast. I hope anyway.
7:30p This is just great. I’ve basically been fired. I’m being sent back to Hamburg tomorrow morning. Supposedly, it was mainly my not understanding the language. And the regular model is well now. But Katharina (the bitch) made me believe that my not understanding German had nothing to do with it. That girl is so in love with herself, it’s ridiculous. She’s such a snot. Enough said about her.
Anyway, once again I wonder what the fuck I am doing over here trying to model. And for that matter, why am I in this business at all? I really don’t like Germany. I think the people (as a whole) are very rude. I simply don’t like being away from what I know. I wonder if I subconsciously wanted to lose my book? I also wonder what’s going to happen tomorrow when I get back to the agency? I think I should get paid for the whole time even though I didn’t stay. I was booked for the 4 1/2 days and any other booking (ha) that I might have had, would’ve been turned down because I was already booked. I wonder if they (Cosmo) are going to blame me for this? I sure hope not. This is just one more thing to add to their list of why I shouldn’t be here. Just what I need.
Chipsey is just like Charlotte. She is sleeping under her blanket. She’s so cute.
I guess I should call Jan and let her know I’ll be back tomorrow morning. She has that look-see at Otto. I guess I’ll just have to hope that Siggi is there and can let me in to the apartment. I should get back around 10a or so.
This whole deal just makes me want to go home. I sure didn’t need this on top of losing/having my book stolen. I am so tempted to just say fuck it and leave.
5 October 1987
I’m sitting on the steps outside the apartment door. It is now 1p; I’ve been here since 11a. Siggi is not home. Neither is Jan. I sure hope she has a break between appointments. With my luck, she’s either testing or booked until tonight. I’m tired and I want to sleep. I don’t feel good. I do have my blanket, but I don’t really want to sleep in the stairwell. I feel like a derelict with no place to go. I bought a book in the airport in Munich, but don’t feel much like reading.
I can’t stop thinking about L. I sure don’t know why because I don’t even like him. He’s really kind of a jerk. I know he’s just out to get what he can, but that doesn’t seem to bother me. I guess as long as the fantasies remain in my mind, there’s nothing wrong with it. But every time I close my eyes, I imagine him kissing me. I guess I’ll never have the pleasure. Besides, he likes Jan and they are probably already engaged. I couldn’t believe how envious and jealous I was of Jan the other night. She has no strings on her. She can do whatever whenever with whomever she pleases. I think I still love D and miss him (in a way) but… I won’t do anything I shouldn’t though. At least I don’t think I will.
8p Finally go in the apt around 1:30. The lady across the hall had an extra key and let me in. Jan arrived about 10 minutes after that. She had quite a weekend. She tested on Saturday with L. He ended up staying the night Saturday and Sunday. She says she doesn’t like him, but I think she does. She slept in my bed and he slept in hers. I wish I could stop having lewd thoughts about him. It would be foolish tho do anything with him though. He seems to me to be the type who would blab to everyone. Sure don’t need that. Jan’s attitude about it amazes me, though. We were talking about it and she said that it’s not like it would mean anything. She also said L asked about my marriage. He said I seemed to him to be in a weird situation, and wondered if I was happily married. I wonder why I give that impression? (Maybe because I’m not!) He’s not the first to think that. Oh well. I guess I’ll go on in my mind thinking about him, but I can’t see it going any further. Besides, fantasy is always better than reality.
13 October 1987
How true that last line I wrote is. So much has happened since I last wrote, but I’m not going to back track. Suffice it to say that I’ve once again learned a lesson and that I’m over my ‘crush’ on L.
I have a lot of things on my mind that I should probably write down, but I am simply not up to dealing with them. Maybe later.
I sure hope the test Jan and I did on Saturday comes out good. The film will be ready this afternoon. I certainly need the boost a good test will bring. I also hope that my other photos from Chicago will be here this week. They have to be. I’m pissed that D didn’t make more of an effort. And since he is going out-of-town today for business, there is no telling when they’ll be sent if it he didn’t already send the package. Fuck.
Well, Jan, it’s 11 o’clock, so why the fuck haven’t you called me? I guess you are just going to be locked out. You should’ve called. She’s probably off having sex with L. I’m so glad that I didn’t.
15 October 1987
I’m getting dissatisfied with my life again. That’s a dangerous thing for me. I don’t want to go back to Chicago. I want to wander Europe for a couple of years. What I really need is to be a wealthy man’s kept woman. With no strings attached, of course. Fat chance! I wonder if D’ll screw that bitch again. I wouldn’t doubt it. I guess I’ll never know, and, really, do I even care?
16 October 1987
It’s getting harder every day not to just give up and go back. But it’s like Jan said, I don’t want to back or I would have 2 weeks ago when my book was stolen. Another week of doing nothing. My stuff from Chicago still hasn’t arrived. That really pisses me off.
2:30a I’ve decided/realized I am on a course of self-destruction, and I’ve got to get off. I know that’s why I’ve been eating the way I have. Trying to stuff my sadness…”
It has been years since I’ve read this particular journal and I am amazed at just how unhappy I truly was. And what a potty mouth I used to have! The saga continues in next Wednesday’s installment of ‘My West German Adventure.’