EAST GERMANY

Posted on January 28, 2015 by atlonglastheard

When I lived in Hamburg in 1987, there was West Germany and East Germany. This was a little over 2 years before the wall came down.

This is a little hard to read, probably because we had to write on the wall in pencil! It says: The choice is obvious… if you have a choice. Jan & Tamerie USA

I Did East & West, ’87

With my friends, Dan and David at Checkpoint Charlie.

The following came from my journal, written on 2 November 1987, after spending Halloween weekend in Berlin and returning to Hamburg: “Had trouble getting to sleep Friday night. And then was awakened by the phone just as I was drifting off. I was pissed. I got up at 5:30, so I had a big 3 hours of sleep. I guess I was just excited about the trip. We got to the station okay and with plenty of time. Once we got on the train, Dan and David go into a smoking car. At first we thought maybe the lady in there did not smoke, but we soon found out differently. So we decided to move. Dan and I went to find an empty non-smoking car. We found one and he told me to hurry and go get Jan and David before more people got on the train. So I go running down the car and as I got to the car that they were in, I slipped and fell flat on my back, my ass, actually. It hurt so bad. Luckily, I wasn’t hurt worse. I could have cracked my head open. It was really funny to see, I’m sure. One minute I’m upright and the next, nowhere to be seen, unless you happen to be looking at the floor. Anyway, we changed cars. It was a 4 hour and 15 minute ride. Not bad. We got into Berlin at !2:15. We went straight into East Berlin, so we had to carry our luggage with us. What a bummer. But before we went through the passport check, we had to wait in line for at least an hour. Dan and David went through. Then I did. Jan, however, was not allowed to pass through. The 3 of us were already on the other side and didn’t know what was going on. No one would tell us anything. It was really scary. After about 45 minutes they finally allowed Jan to pass through. It turned out the reason they held he back was her passport. They thought it was fake, and because her name is German, they got really mean. They weren’t telling her anything either when they were holding her. She has got to get a new passport. She had a little bit of trouble coming back last night also. They checked it over many times and even asked her about it before they said it was okay.

East Germany was quite an experience. I’m sure glad I’m not from there. The countryside was so desolate in places. Barbed wire fences were everywhere. And because it was Saturday afternoon when we finally were walking around in the “East,” no stores, or anything for that matter, were open. There really weren’t any stores to speak of though. We went up in this one church tower, which was pretty neat. We mostly just walked around and took pictures. We ended up eating dinner in East Berlin. We each got something different and passed it all around. It was pretty good. The law was you had to be out of East Berlin by 8 o’clock, so we left after dinner.

When we first arrived in East Berlin, we had to buy East German Marks, which was the only money accepted in East Germany, and accepted no place else in the world. In theory, we were supposed to spend all we changed, and not take any with us. At dinner, we left huge tips, but I kept my extra money. I still have it today. Also, in East Berlin, you had to pay to use a public bathroom (and I use the term loosely here) and the toilet paper was, literally, just like sandpaper. In fact, sandpaper might be softer. Not a pleasant experience.

Though not quite as difficult as getting into East Berlin had been, when we left we still had to stand in all kinds of lines. By the time we finally got back to the West, we were freezing. (It was the end of October in Germany, after all.) Dan decided we should save money and take the subway to the center of town to look for a hotel. We did that but all we found were big, expensive ones. We finally found a tourist office and they made us a reservation at a pension. I wasn’t quite sure what that was since I had never stayed in one before. It turned out to be really nice. David called the room that Dan and I ended up sharing “The Emperor’s Suite” and for good reason. It was at least twice the size of their room. It was quite amusing. Anyway, the room had 2 single beds pushed together and another single bed. It had a sitting area with a love seat and chairs. We had a sink. And there was even a terrace with French Doors.

It was about 9:45 by the time we got all settled in. The plan was to nap for a couple of hours and then hit the town. We were in West Berlin and it was Halloween night, so how could we not take advantage of that? Well, it didn’t quite go according to plans. Once we started to relax, no one felt much like going back out into the cold, so we talked and eventually fell asleep.

On Sunday morning, after breakfast, we went to the Wall. How spooky! It was an awful feeling, knowing how free we are and ten feet away on the other side of this cement fortress people have absolutely no freedom at all. (And from Elton John’s Nikita–‘And if there comes a time, guns and gates no longer hold you in. And if you’re free to make choice, just look toward the west and find a friend.’) We took lots of pictures. We also wrote on the wall. I took a picture of it. I hope it comes out. After looking at the Wall for a while, we into the Checkpoint Charlie Museum. Now that was scary. It had all kinds of stories about successful and, unfortunately, unsuccessful escape attempts. It was interesting, but I am sure glad I don’t live in the East. I’m glad we went but once was enough to last me a lifetime. And East Berlin was not a very pleasant place to be. But at least I got an East Germany stamp in my passport and I have East German Marks as a souvenir.

We got back to Hamburg around 9:30. We parted company with Dan and David at La Roma. It was a fun trip, and except for Jan’s passport issue, pretty uneventful.”

When the Wall came down in late 1989, a German friend of mine from my agency in Barcelona was home for Christmas and went to the dismantling of it. She brought everyone back a piece, which I, of course, still have.

THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE

Posted on January 26, 2015 by atlonglastheard

I loved this book by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. I just finished listening to it yesterday, though during the middle of it, I ordered the actual book, too. I knew it was one I’d want to have and be able to reference. It was a tough listen as times, but it explained a lot of what I’ve been through and continue to go through.

What makes this book even more relevant to me is the fact that it was just published in 2014, which means it has the latest information about trauma that is available.

The inside dust jacket has this to say about Dr. Van Der Kolk and the book:

“This profoundly humane book offers a sweeping new understanding of the causes and consequences of trauma, offering hope and clarity to everyone touched by its devastation. Trauma has emerged as one of the great public health challenges of our time, not only because of its well-documented effects on combat veterans and on victims of accidents and crimes, but because of the hidden toll of sexual and family violence and of communities and schools devastated by abuse, neglect and addiction.

Drawing on more than thirty years at the forefront of research and clinical practice, Bessel Van Der Kolk shows that the terror and isolation at the core of trauma literally reshape both brain and body. New insights into our survival instincts explain why traumatized people experience incomprehensible anxiety and numbing and intolerable rage, and how trauma affects their capacity to concentrate, to remember, to form trusting relationships, and even to feel at home in their own bodies. Having lost the sense of control of themselves and frustrated by failed therapies, they often fear that they are damages beyond repair.

THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE is the inspiring story of how a group of therapists and scientists–together with their courageous and memorable patients–has struggled to integrate recent advances in brain science, attachment research and body awareness into treatments that can free trauma survivors from the tyranny of the past. These new paths to recovery activate the brain’s natural neuroplasticity to rewire disturbed functioning and rebuild step-by-step the ability to ‘know what you know and feel what you feel.’ They also offer experiences that directly counteract the helplessness and invisibility associated with trauma, enabling both adults and children to reclaim ownership of their bodies and their lives.

Readers will come away from this book with awe at human resilience and at the power of our relationships–whether in the intimacy of home or in our wider communities–to both hurt and heal.”

What this book also showed me is the things I did, EMDR, yoga, to name just two, were the ‘right’ ones to undertake and have contributed mightily in my healing process. I also realize I still have more healing to do –dang it– but that it is possible to rewire the neuro pathways in my brain even more than I’m sure they have already been rewired. It is a process and as much as I want it to be finished, the simple truth is it’s not. I think, too, that for people who are on a healing path, it is lifelong endeavor, whether you suffered a traumatic childhood event, a devastating car accident, the death of a child or spouse, or just the day-to-day living of life that can sometimes be unbelievably difficult. I’m realizing more and more that we are never really finished. As I always told my therapist, I do not have a choice in this. I have to keep moving forward.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who has suffered a traumatic event personally or knows of someone who has. The knowledge and insights you will gain will be invaluable to understanding the why of how trauma affects the body and mind.

FIRED AND SENT ‘HOME’

Posted on January 21, 2015 by atlonglastheard

From my journal:

4 October 1987

“I’m getting sick. My throat is infected. I don’t feel too bad but not good either. Maybe today will be busy and go kind of fast. I hope anyway.

7:30p This is just great. I’ve basically been fired. I’m being sent back to Hamburg tomorrow morning. Supposedly, it was mainly my not understanding the language. And the regular model is well now. But Katharina (the bitch) made me believe that my not understanding German had nothing to do with it. That girl is so in love with herself, it’s ridiculous. She’s such a snot. Enough said about her.

Anyway, once again I wonder what the fuck I am doing over here trying to model. And for that matter, why am I in this business at all? I really don’t like Germany. I think the people (as a whole) are very rude. I simply don’t like being away from what I know. I wonder if I subconsciously wanted to lose my book? I also wonder what’s going to happen tomorrow when I get back to the agency? I think I should get paid for the whole time even though I didn’t stay. I was booked for the 4 1/2 days and any other booking (ha) that I might have had, would’ve been turned down because I was already booked. I wonder if they (Cosmo) are going to blame me for this? I sure hope not. This is just one more thing to add to their list of why I shouldn’t be here. Just what I need.

Chipsey is just like Charlotte. She is sleeping under her blanket. She’s so cute.

I guess I should call Jan and let her know I’ll be back tomorrow morning. She has that look-see at Otto. I guess I’ll just have to hope that Siggi is there and can let me in to the apartment. I should get back around 10a or so.

This whole deal just makes me want to go home. I sure didn’t need this on top of losing/having my book stolen. I am so tempted to just say fuck it and leave.

5 October 1987

I’m sitting on the steps outside the apartment door. It is now 1p; I’ve been here since 11a. Siggi is not home. Neither is Jan. I sure hope she has a break between appointments. With my luck, she’s either testing or booked until tonight. I’m tired and I want to sleep. I don’t feel good. I do have my blanket, but I don’t really want to sleep in the stairwell. I feel like a derelict with no place to go. I bought a book in the airport in Munich, but don’t feel much like reading.

I can’t stop thinking about L. I sure don’t know why because I don’t even like him. He’s really kind of a jerk. I know he’s just out to get what he can, but that doesn’t seem to bother me. I guess as long as the fantasies remain in my mind, there’s nothing wrong with it. But every time I close my eyes, I imagine him kissing me. I guess I’ll never have the pleasure. Besides, he likes Jan and they are probably already engaged. I couldn’t believe how envious and jealous I was of Jan the other night. She has no strings on her. She can do whatever whenever with whomever she pleases. I think I still love D and miss him (in a way) but… I won’t do anything I shouldn’t though. At least I don’t think I will.

8p Finally go in the apt around 1:30. The lady across the hall had an extra key and let me in. Jan arrived about 10 minutes after that. She had quite a weekend. She tested on Saturday with L. He ended up staying the night Saturday and Sunday. She says she doesn’t like him, but I think she does. She slept in my bed and he slept in hers. I wish I could stop having lewd thoughts about him. It would be foolish tho do anything with him though. He seems to me to be the type who would blab to everyone. Sure don’t need that. Jan’s attitude about it amazes me, though. We were talking about it and she said that it’s not like it would mean anything. She also said L asked about my marriage. He said I seemed to him to be in a weird situation, and wondered if I was happily married. I wonder why I give that impression? (Maybe because I’m not!) He’s not the first to think that. Oh well. I guess I’ll go on in my mind thinking about him, but I can’t see it going any further. Besides, fantasy is always better than reality.

13 October 1987

How true that last line I wrote is. So much has happened since I last wrote, but I’m not going to back track. Suffice it to say that I’ve once again learned a lesson and that I’m over my ‘crush’ on L.

I have a lot of things on my mind that I should probably write down, but I am simply not up to dealing with them. Maybe later.

I sure hope the test Jan and I did on Saturday comes out good. The film will be ready this afternoon. I certainly need the boost a good test will bring. I also hope that my other photos from Chicago will be here this week. They have to be. I’m pissed that D didn’t make more of an effort. And since he is going out-of-town today for business, there is no telling when they’ll be sent if it he didn’t already send the package. Fuck.

Well, Jan, it’s 11 o’clock, so why the fuck haven’t you called me? I guess you are just going to be locked out. You should’ve called. She’s probably off having sex with L. I’m so glad that I didn’t.

15 October 1987

I’m getting dissatisfied with my life again. That’s a dangerous thing for me. I don’t want to go back to Chicago. I want to wander Europe for a couple of years. What I really need is to be a wealthy man’s kept woman. With no strings attached, of course. Fat chance! I wonder if D’ll screw that bitch again. I wouldn’t doubt it. I guess I’ll never know, and, really, do I even care?

16 October 1987

It’s getting harder every day not to just give up and go back. But it’s like Jan said, I don’t want to back or I would have 2 weeks ago when my book was stolen. Another week of doing nothing. My stuff from Chicago still hasn’t arrived. That really pisses me off.

2:30a I’ve decided/realized I am on a course of self-destruction, and I’ve got to get off. I know that’s why I’ve been eating the way I have. Trying to stuff my sadness…”

It has been years since I’ve read this particular journal and I am amazed at just how unhappy I truly was. And what a potty mouth I used to have! The saga continues in next Wednesday’s installment of ‘My West German Adventure.’

DYING TO BE ME

Posted on January 18, 2015 by atlonglastheard

From the back cover of the book: “In this truly inspirational memoir, Anita Moorjani relates how, after fighting cancer for almost four years, her body began shutting down—overwhelmed by the malignant cells spreading throughout her system. As her organs failed, she entered into an extraordinary near-death experience where she realized her inherent worth . . . and the actual cause of her disease. Upon regaining consciousness, Anita found that her condition had improved so rapidly that she was released from the hospital within weeks—without a trace of cancer in her body! Within these pages, Anita recounts stories of her childhood in Hong Kong, her challenge to establish her career and find true love, as well as how she eventually ended up in that hospital bed where she defied all medical knowledge. As part of a traditional Hindu family residing in a largely Chinese and British society, Anita had been pushed and pulled by cultural and religious customs since she was a little girl. After years of struggling to forge her own path while trying to meet everyone else’s expectations, she had the realization, as a result of her epiphany on the other side, that she had the power to heal herself . . . and that there are miracles in the Universe that she’d never even imagined. In DYING TO BE ME, Anita freely shares all she has learned about illness, healing, fear, “being love,” and the true magnificence of each and every human being! This is a book that definitely makes the case that we are spiritual beings having a human experience . . . and that we are all One!”

I listened to this book while in the middle of my healing process (not that is it actually over at this point) from my sexual assault, and I realized that I, too, had had a NDE, a near death experience, though not in the way that they normally occur. Because my assault was interrupted, which prevented my attacker from following through with his intention to rape me, I was also saved from the punches that were coming my way. The last thing I remember before hearing my guardian angel’s voice was DCD’s fists getting ready to beat the shit out of me because I wouldn’t stop screaming and fighting him. The only way he was going to be able to get control of me was to knock me out. As I’ve said in the past, I was literally fighting for my life. And in doing that, I dissociated from myself from the situation I was in. It wasn’t so much that I left my body and was watching what was happening to me as it was the feeling that I simply was not there. Dictionary.com defines a near death experience as “an unusual experience taking place on the brink of death and recounted by a person after recovery…” Given that definition, that’s exactly what happened to me. I am sure I’ll have plenty more to say on this, but for now this post is about Anita Moorjani’s book and her experience.

I loved the book. Her story is simply amazing. She was, literally, hours away from certain death when her near death experience occurred. What she ‘saw’ and ‘heard’ changed her life forever.

A DEVASTATING LOSS

Posted on January 15, 2015 by atlonglastheard

The following comes from my journal on 3 October 1987:

“Jan and I were waiting around the apartment to call into the agency at 1p. The phone rang about 12:15. It was the agency. Doris said, “you are going to Munich tomorrow until Wednesday afternoon.” She said I had to come to the agency to pick up my ticket and that I had an appointment to get my hair cut t 4p. Needless to say, I was astonished.

Anyway, we went to the agency and my book was back but Jan’s wasn’t. I got all the info for my trip. We wet to the travel agent to pick up the ticket. (I’m flying first class there and business class back.) We then went to get our bus passes for the next week and to do other errands. I got my hair cut and we decided to go back to the apartment and decide what to do about dinner. Jan thought she should call the agency in case her book was back and we could stop on our way home. The book wasn’t back but she has the booking for the topless ad on Sunday. That cheered her up considerably. After she hung up with the agency, we were walking through the terminal when all of a sudden I said, “My book!” I had left it in the phone booth. We ran all the way back (we hadn’t been gone even 5 minutes) to the phone and it was gone. We looked and looked. We went to the police and everywhere else we were told to go. No one had turned it in and I doubt they will. I left it where I shouldn’t have but someone stole it. The thing that pisses me off so much is it’s no good to anyone but me. And every last picture, slide and transparency I had was in it. There were also 2 new prints of Jan’s that we had picked up earlier. The slides of those pictures were also in there. I’m royally screwed. All I can hope is that someone turns it in. I’m not holding my breath, though. We finally gave up looking and went home. I tried calling D but he was at lunch. Jan and I had pizza for dinner, then I called agin. He was there and I briefly told him what had happened and to call me back. He did, and I gave the names of the photographers and exactly which prints I need replaced. I told him to call Mary and have her get a hold of them ASAP> I sure hope Mary comes through. She is so cheap, though. She told D to have me call her in 45 minutes or call her at home after 9p Chicago time. No way was I calling her, Anyway, if everyone (photographers) gets their butts in gear and does whatever it takes to replace my lost shots, then Jan thinks I’ll only lose a week or so. At least I’ll be out-of-town working for most of next week. When all the stuff is collected, it’s going to have to be Federal Expressed or whatever to get it here pronto. I am so mad that it happened. That dumb book was always connected to my arm and I can’t believe I didn’t realize I did not have it immediately. Oh well, as Lance would say, I was being a fucking blonde. I tried calling him to tell him about my good news (Munich) and ask advice for my bad, but his phone is messed up. I also figured he’d laugh, though it’s not funny at all.

I am sitting in the Frankfort airport right now, waiting to board for Munich. First Class is all right! We were served breakfast on actual dishes. It was even good. I could learn to like this.

I’m a little nervous about this booking. I guess I’ll know in a little while what to expect. I sure hope I do well. I know I will.

9:15p I should be going to sleep now instead of writing, but I don’t want to get behind. I got into Munich about 11:45a. I got my luggage and found a taxi. He took me to the Hilton. I went to room 702 and they had never heard of Frau Hagen. I had to lug everything back down to the lobby. Doris made a mistake. It was room 709, not 702. I finally got there and was put immediately to work. I’m not doing runway at all. I’m basically doing showroom modeling. When I first saw the line, I though — oh no, how ugly. But the more I see of it, the more I like it. In fact, there are several pieces I’m dying to have. It’s too expensive though. It’s all couture, so even at cost, I can’t afford it.It gives me ideas though. I sure wish Jan were here. I’m sure she would really like the line. I found out the only reason I am here is the regular girl is sick and in the hospital. Another job by default. Who cares as long as they keep coming? Anyway there were no clients to show anything to today. Tomorrow should be a different story. The designer’s name is Inke Von Hagen. It should be kind of fun, but I know that by the time Wednesday afternoon comes around I’m going to be exhausted. I’ll be working from 9-6 or sometimes later. I sure hope they plan on feeding me. I also hope I get to pick what I want to eat, not just nibble on what they get.

I’m staying at a friend of Katharina’s. She has a little dog just like Charlotte except she is light brown. Her name is Chipsey. She’s so cute. There is also a big boy dog whose name I forget. And she has a baby boy named Adrian. He’s 12 weeks old. Tomorrow Katharina’s picking me up at 8:30a. I guess I’ll take a cab each night back to the house.

I need to sleep, so I’ll stop here. I’m afraid I’m getting sick and I sure don’t need that. Staying up practically all night on Thursday was not so smart. I’m paying for it now. Oh well. It was fun!”

Okay, clearly I used to write tons and even though this saga is not complete, I am choosing to save it for next week.

YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE

Posted on January 11, 2015 by atlonglastheard

My choice for today’s book recommendation is YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise L. Hay. In 1976, Louise wrote her first book HEAL YOUR BODY, which began as a small pamphlet containing a list of different bodily ailments and their probable metaphysical causes. This pamphlet was later enlarged and extended and became her book YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE in 1984. And when no one was interested in her book and what she had to say, she founded her own publishing company, Hay House. Thirty-one years later, the book has definitely stood the test of time. A movie version came out in 2007, and I was fortunate enough to see it at the Seaside Center for Spiritual Living in Encinitas, CA before it was released to the public. 81 years old at the time, Louise introduced the movie beforehand and was a delightful speaker.

The copy of the book pictured above, the one that I have, was published in 1999. I’m sure that part of the reason I bought it was how colorful it was. The larger reason would have been the title. I very much like the idea that I am/we are, with the thoughts we think, capable of healing ourselves. “Louise’s key message in this powerful work is, ‘If we are willing to do the mental work, almost anything can be healed.’ She explains how limiting beliefs and ideas are often the cause of illness, and shows how you can change your thinking–and improve the quality of your life!”

YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE made the New York Times bestseller list and remained on it for 13 consecutive weeks. More than twenty years later, in 2008, due to her appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show, You Can Heal Your Life was again on the New York Times BestsellerLlist. It was the first time in that publication’s history that that has happened! More than 50 million copies of YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE have been sold throughout the world.

“The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences.” ~Louise L. Hay

ADVENTURES IN HAMBURG

Posted on January 7, 2015 by atlonglastheard

As I said, it only took me a week to adjust to living in Hamburg. That first week, though, was pretty tough for me. I had always thought I would like to be on a desert island, alone. Ha! It felt like I was on a desert island that because I felt completely isolated. Although most Germans spoke English, they didn’t go around speaking it automatically, and since I was frequently mistakenly identified as being German (tall and blonde), I couldn’t understand what was being said to me. And, of course, all the signs and such were in German. Luckily, I did retain enough German vocabulary that I was able to work out what most signs, etc. said/meant. And all I had to say was, “I don’t speak German” for them to switch to English. Still, I felt really isolated.

Going on castings was a whole other challenge. I had to learn the city and the train and bus schedule, something I had never done much of in the USA. Well, that’s not quite true…living in Chicago, without a car, had taught me how to use public transportation. Of course, it was all in English and I wasn’t a foreign visitor to the city. I found, to my delight, that in Germany the trains and buses all run on time. I mean exactly on time. And they were exceptionally clean. There was one particular connection that I literally had to run to catch because it was never even one second late. I got used to it, though, and really came to love the freedom that public transportation gave me. I know it sounds kind of odd, but it was so easy to use. All you needed was a bus/train pass and you were all set.

Soon after I arrived, my booker asked for my passport. I thought, oh crap, hopefully she won’t notice the year I was born. I had, after all, lied to them about my age. Here I was 27 and they thought I was 21. Well, they did notice. I was called into meet with the owner of the agency, the man who had come to Chicago and who had picked me to go to Hamburg in the first place. Let’s just say he was not happy. He wanted to send me home. This pissed me off because, really, if you thought I was 21, then why should it matter that I am really 27. He said it wasn’t so much that I was 27, as it was that I was 27 and just starting modeling. He said that most 27 year olds, if they were even still in the business, had been modeling at least 10 years. As far as he was concerned, I was completely inexperienced. This wasn’t true as I had been working in Chicago for the last 9 months or so. Again, I found it so ridiculous that a number could be such a big deal. I somehow convinced him to allow me to stay, though now I can’t remember how I did it.

So, I continued to go to castings. One in particular was a commercial for chocolate. Those of you who actually know me know that I do NOT like chocolate. I did not want to tell the casting director this because I thought I could do it anyway. As it turned out, not only did I have to speak in German, I also had to eat the stupid chocolate at the end. After the first take, she said to me, “Your German is excellent, but you look like you don’t like chocolate.” I tried again, 2 more times, but I could never take a bite of the chocolate bar without making a face. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.

I did have various small jobs here and there, mostly catalog or commercials (where I didn’t have to eat chocolate.) My booker called me one day to ask if I could do a split. I said I used to be able to, but it had been years since I’d done one, that if I had time to practice, I probably could do it. Turned out the casting was the next day. So much for time to practice. Luckily, when I did the casting, I had to do a split between 2 ottomans, so even though I really couldn’t do one, it looked like I could because of gravity. The job was for a photographer who was known for thinking up concepts that no one could possibly do, and then finding models to do it. I was one of those models. This concept was about writing music on a computer.

What you’ve got to remember here is, this was LONG before Photoshop even existed. I am actually doing this, I am suspended between the two computers. Getting me up there was quite tricky, though. First they had to teach me how to hold the violin properly. Luckily, I was allowed to keep my eyes closed for the picture. I’m not sure I could have done it otherwise without grimacing. Physically, I would say this was the hardest job I ever did. Anyway, I would put my front leg up on the computer, get the violin situated properly, then my back leg would be put on the other computer with two people holding me up until the photographer was ready. He would then say something to me like strength and I would tighten all my muscles, the holders would step out of the frame and the shot would be taken. I would then throw the violin to the person whose job it was to catch it, and the holders would rush in to get me off the computers. I would start to go ‘inside out’ because of gravity. There was no way I could hold that position because of where my legs were on the computers. Perhaps if they were a little closer together it would have been possible, but the distance was just too great to hold longer than about 2 seconds. In all we did about 24 shots. Afterwards, I had to take the train back to my apartment, with hair and makeup still on, but wearing regular clothes. I wished it was closer to Halloween so I wouldn’t stand out so much.

To be continued…

HAPPY 2015

Posted on January 4, 2015 by atlonglastheard

I am a bit under the weather, and do not feel like writing. So instead, I’ll just post these quotes that really resonate with me:

YES!!!

Posted on December 31, 2014 by atlonglastheard

It’s that time again. Time to figure out what my word for the coming (tomorrow, for goodness sake) New Year should be. I’ve had some difficulty deciding. And really, it’s more of a phrase than just a word, though it can be either, I suppose. The point is it’s an action more than simply a feeling; a reminder to: Just Do It, to Go For The Gusto, to Grab Life By The Horns, to stop waiting for whatever it is I’ve been waiting for, to say YES to everything. I said back in September on the 3rd anniversary of my attack that I had survived and was ready to thrive. It’s time to take it a bit further and stop being so guarded. Do I have a good reason for continuing to hold myself back? For my heart and mind still being the slightest bit closed? Perhaps, but where does that get me? Alone…not necessarily lonely…but definitely by myself a lot of the time.

So my word for 2015 is YES! And my phrase is Say Yes To Everything! Well, most everything. I am all for dancing like no one is watching, loving like I’ve never been hurt (or, for that matter, sexually assaulted) but I draw the line at singing like no one is listening, because the truth is I simply cannot hold a tune. Okay, not only cannot I not hold a tune, I can’t even get into tune. So, no singing; any and everything else, though, I intend to say YES to.

I also intend to continue my twice a week posting. Last week I was in Atlanta for Christmas and decided to skip it since it’s more challenging to do it on the phone. Overall, though, I did pretty well throughout the year with my intention for 2014 and consistently posting. I find I really do need a set schedule to make it happen. Some weeks I didn’t post on Wednesday, but I discovered that Thursday is just as good in case I can’t get my act together for Wednesday. As for my Sunday posts about books that I read that have made a difference in my life and in my healing process, I’ll continue with those for the foreseeable future. I love books and love to read, so I don’t think I’ll run out of recommendations for a while.

Thank you to all who continue to read my story. There is so much yet to be told.

And as the sun sets on 2014…HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone.

May 2015 be full of love, happiness, prosperity, peace and joy for us all!

WARRIOR POSE

Posted on December 21, 2014 by atlonglastheard

I just finished reading, (yes, I actually had to read it as it is not available on audio), this book, and it is amazing. AMAZING! It is Brad Willis AKA Brava Ram’s autobiography, the story of his life as a war correspondent, how a devastating injury changed his life and the unbelievable power of the mind to heal.

“Warrior Pose is Indiana Jones merged with Gautama Buddha…a miraculous affirmation of the power of self-healing, a war story, a love story and a spiritual journey of epic proportion. It is your story, my story, the human story.” ~Dr. Emmett Miller, Pioneer of Mind-Body Medicine

Also from the book jacket:

“From covering the front lines of the Gulf War to investigating Colombian drug lords to living with freedom fighters in the mountains of Afghanistan, war correspondent Brad Willis was accustomed to risk. But when mortal danger came, it was from an unexpected. direction.

At the pinnacle of his career, a broken back and failed surgery left Willis permanently disabled and condemned to a life in a body brace. Then came a diagnosis of terminal, stage IV throat cancer.

At his 50th birthday party, friends gathered around Willis, who was crippled, almost mute, depressed, strung out on narcotic medications, and dying. Halfway through the celebration Willis realized the party’s true purpose–his friends were there to say goodbye.

Everyone knew Willis was on his way out…everyone except his 2-year-old son, who urged, “Get up, Daddy!”

His son’s words ringing in his ears, Willis chose to abandon Western medicine and embrace the most esoteric practices of Yoga to heal his body, mind and soul–ridding himself of cancer and fully restoring his back. As a symbol of his journey, he took the spiritual name Bhava Ram, which stands for “Living From The Heart.”

Warrior Pose is an adventure chronicling some of the most momentous events of our time through a journalist’s eyes, an unforgettable story about the power of love between a father and son, and a transformational journey of self-healing, inner peace and wholeness.”

Candace Pert, PhD, Chief Scientific Officer, RAPID Laboratories, Inc; author of Everything You Need to Know to Feel Go(o)d and Molecules of Emotion: The Scientific Basis Behind Mind-Body Medicine had this to say about the book:

“Remarkable recoveries and miraculous healing of incurable cancers and other terminal disease have been the topic of many recent books. Bhava, born Brad Willis, has written the most exciting, original and vividly relevant book yet on this topic. Its concise, hard-hitting prose makes a page turner about the shockingly grim world behind the nightly news as revealed to a top television reporter. Ram ignores his progressive physical collapse, stuffing his feelings and internal life to focus entirely on his macho career. Using his fierce will to survive and strong intellect to question medical authority, Bhava draws inspiration from the miracle of his son Morgan, halts his self-sabotaging habits, chooses ‘right living,’ and heals himself via a selfless emotional life dedicated to teaching and healing others.”

I have said before that yoga was instrumental in my healing process, that it definitely contributed to saving my life during my healing process from my sexual assault, and it was and it did. I am in awe of just how dedicated and determined Brad Willis was to save his own life and transform himself into Bhava Ram. I highly recommend this book.

At Long Last Heard

A Story of Survival

EAST GERMANY

THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE

FIRED AND SENT ‘HOME’

DYING TO BE ME

A DEVASTATING LOSS

YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE

ADVENTURES IN HAMBURG

HAPPY 2015

YES!!!

WARRIOR POSE

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