It was brought to my attention that my posts are unclear, so before I get to my journal entries, I just want to make clear exactly what it is I am posting. When the title of my post is a date from 2011 (and 2012 after this post), that means it is an entry from my journal, from that time, of what I was feeling, going through and dealing with. I also want to be clear that I am through my therapy and my PTSD is completely gone. I am no longer depressed (or at least not to the extent I was immediately following the attack and for most of the healing process) and am not in any danger of ‘checking out’ early from this life of mine. I am attempting to tell my story chronologically so that anyone following it can understand what I was thinking and feeling then. My feelings now are different and once the entire story is written, I will be getting into my the continued process and journey. I realize that some of what I write is hard to read, and it does get far worse before it gets better. The whole reason for doing this, though, is to hopefully help others who are in a similar situation and feeling as if they are going stark-raving mad. That certainly is how I felt a lot of the time.
Just a couple of short entries today…
20 November 2011
My horoscope today is worthy of recording in here: ‘A rush of optimism and enthusiasm could propel you into a more positive frame of mind, and you could accomplish wonders. Your circumstances may be turned upside down [understatement of the year, my words.] A move is possible, as is a change in your work. Don’t cling to the shore – flow with the current. Success and good fortune are on the way as long as you let them happen.’ Oh, yes, I like the sound of this. It’s kind of what I’ve been thinking and feeling for a while now. Just need to allow it in.
10 December 2011
Last night Bill asked me if I was planning on walking this morning. I told him I didn’t know, that I’d see if I could. He then pointed out the probable reason that I seem to have so much trouble walking on Saturday mornings now: the attack happened on a Saturday morning. Oh my gosh, how did I not realize this before? That makes so much sense.
Well, we officially start the EMDR on Monday. Another day that is very difficult for me.