Therapy was tough today. I almost cried. The tears just wouldn’t come out. It was when I was talking about Andy. Also, Susie said she thinks my talking is my tears. For now. That’s probably why I am talking so much about the attack. To everyone I see.
I think that when I was growing up, I never felt that I mattered, that I was not important. I think I still feel that way a lot of the time. I mean, and I know I’ve said this before at various other times in my life, I’m 51 years old and I have nothing to show for it — no husband, no kids, no house, no money. Oh sure, I have a talent for making beautiful things, and a portfolio full of pictures of those beautiful things, but what does that really mean? I think I’m trying to make myself feel relevant. I know there are quite a lot of people who would miss me if I were gone, but what does it take for me to feel that I matter while I’m here? I think writing my autobiography is a step in the right direction. Also, writing about what I’m going through now. I cannot be the only one who is experiencing it, though why no one else has come forward or no one I know has ever been attacked, I can’t figure out. No one talks about it. And I can’t seem to shut up. And then there’s the annoying little voice that keeps saying, ‘Why do you think what you have to say is important?’ and ‘Why do you think anyone will even be interested or listen or care?’ and ‘Maybe I am the only one who this matters to.’
And seriously, what’s the worst thing that can happen to me for writing it all down on my blog? No one reads it? I only help myself get through it? Well, so what? The whole point is to get me through it and if I happen to help someone else along the way, great. If not, well, I will have still helped me. It’s not like anyone is really reading my blog these days anyway. I do need to figure out a way to increase my readership AND have people leave comments. I want, no, I NEED to know that I’m not just wasting my time. (Note- The blog I am referring to here is http://www.alittleofthisthatandtheother.blogspot.com and even before the attack I was having a bit of trouble posting on a regular basis. After, I tried to go on as if nothing had happened, occasionally making a veiled reference to something, but never coming totally clean. After I launched this site, I foolishly thought I could do posts on both. That has not happened.)
19 November 2011
Slowly, but ever so slowly, I am realizing I have a very deep sense that I simply do not matter. I, of course, l know this is ridiculous, and yet, the feeling is still there. This was pointed out to me last Monday in therapy. When I was talking about how mean my brothers were and how I got no relief from Mother until I took the drastic measure of running away from home, Susie asked me if I felt that I didn’t matter? I said, yes, and I’ve thought about it a lot this past week. I’m not sure why I feel this way. Oh, I can understand why I would have felt it before, but not after Hoffman and all the subsequent work I’ve done to deal with my past. Apparently, though, it is still there. Rats!
The Hoffman gathering today was pretty powerful for me. The topic was Gratitude. My first thought was, ‘of course I am grateful for everything.’ And then I thought more about that and realized it was the perfect topic for me because, although I am definitely grateful for a lot of things, I am not nearly in the frame of mind I was pre-attack. I can’t even thank God for my island anymore. That has got to shift for me. I am working on it, but maybe I really do need to ‘fake it ’til I feel it again.’ Kind of like the releasing resentment prayer that Mike sent me. I’ve been doing it and I’m pretty sure I’ve done it for more than 14 consecutive days and I’ve yet to feel any less mad or resentful towards cockroach boy. Still, I’ll keep doing it. It certainly cannot hurt anything and may be helping me in ways I am not even aware of. (Another note – the releasing resentment prayer I mentioned here is an amalgamation from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and says the following: “God, please help me show ____ the same tolerance, compassion and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. This is a sick person God. Save me from being angry and resentful. Thy will be done. I ask for everything that I want for myself to be given to him. I ask for his health, his prosperity and his happiness.” Say it for 14 consecutive days and see if it doesn’t help you release your resentment. Remember that this is for your peace of mind and serenity, not his.)