I am still working out the ‘best’ way to tell my story.  I, of course, have many ideas and am constantly writing posts in my head.  When it comes to actually writing them down here, those same amazing, wonderful, oh-so-eloquent words seem to abandon me.  Or they don’t come out the way I was thinking them.  In any case, the entry from the 31st last year is what will follow.  When reading over it, and with the benefit of a year and a year of therapy, it is so clear to me now just how bad I felt.  At the time, although I was writing what I was feeling, I simply had no clue just how much work I had to do and how incredibly hard it was going to be.

One of the instant effects of the attack was not being able to cry.  Oh, my eyes would do what I called leaking.  About 3 tears would leak out, but that was it.  There was no release or relief from it.  I KNEW I was in shock, but I didn’t realize exactly what that meant.  And my thought process was extremely skewed, as will become more and more clear as I copy my journal entries from that time.

About a month after the attack, Bill asked me if it was all right that he take a trip with his friend, Victor, up the coast of California.  My response was, “I’m not the boss of you.”  He said something to the effect of, “I know.  But you’ve been having such a hard time lately that I don’t want to go if you don’t want me to.”  Something like that.  I assured him that I would be okay, that I had Laura close by and that I needed to learn to be on my own again.  And we would continue to talk each evening at some point.   So he left for about a week, returning on Halloween.

31 October 2011

6a –  I seem to be stuck in NOT walking now.  I lie here in bed and will myself to get up and get out and I just continue to lie here.  I cannot make myself do it.  I so want to and I can’t do it.  It is so frustrating.  I am gaining weight.  i can tell because my boobs are getting bigger.  It has been over 5 weeks of not walking.  Since I normally walk a minimum of 60+ miles a week, this is a HUGE loss and how could I NOT gain weight?  I haven’t successfully found any activity to replace it.  I guess this is all a part of the process.  As much as I want to, I can’t just ‘make’ myself do it.  I’m a bit frozen to my bed.

9a – Well, my eyes certainly are leaking this morning.  I also feel like an elephant is sitting on me.  I guess it’s a good thing I have therapy today.  I know this thought is completely irrational and it keeps popping up: I am such a loser.  I can’t even get up and go for a walk.  How hard is that?  Apparently too hard just now.  And I so want to talk to Bill but I don’t want to bother him.

It feels a little like I’m going crazy but how would I know what that feels like unless I’ve gone there before.  Perhaps I have, or maybe I’ve always been crazy and what I’m feeling now is normal.  But what’s normal?  I think I’m about as far from normal as anyone could possibly be.  It feels like I am broken and can’t be fixed.

9:28a – So I broke down and called Bill.  It is just so nice to hear his voice.  It is so reassuring.  In spite of calling him, I still feel like crap.  My eyes are continuing to leak.  I guess this is a good thing, though it doesn’t feel that way.