Tag Archives: Tamerie Shriver

NO WORDS FOR JUST HOW DISTRESSING THIS IS TO ME

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I am forgoing my usual book recommendation today to briefly address the latest news story…

“What the Cosby uproar says about how far we’ve come
Simply put, the facts haven’t changed — or at least not by much. But we have.
 By Lisa Belkin

This originally appeared on Friday, 21 November 2014 in Yahoo News:

Why did it take 30 years? That’s the question Barbara Bowman, one of the 15 women to level sexual assault allegations against Bill Cosby, asked in her essay in the Washington Post this week.  And it is a pivotal question, because the answers speak loudly to what has changed in our culture — and what has not — when a powerful man is accused of rape.
Cosby’s history of allegedly drugging young women and then forcing them to have sex has been an open secret in Hollywood for decades. The alleged rapes themselves are said to date back to the 1960s. Cosby has included jokes about drugging young women to make them amorous since 1969 — something called Spanish Fly played a surprisingly big role in the public imagination back then — jokes he repeated live to Larry King in 1991. The attempts by victims to make themselves heard began more than a decade ago.
Former model Janice Dickinson now says she tried to write about being assaulted by Cosby in her 2002 memoir but was convinced by her publisher, under pressure from the Cosby camp, to leave her most devastating accusations out. Tamara Green, a California lawyer, told her story on the “Today Show” in 2005 when she was only the “second Cosby accuser.” But there were no consequences for Cosby, and Matt Lauer all but apologized to viewers for doing the interview in the first place. The following year, 13 women were scheduled to testify to their separate tales of drugs and sex in a civil suit brought by Andrea Constand, but she settled with Cosby in 2006 for an undisclosed sum. Over the past two weeks the charges have snowballed, and Cosby has found himself on his heels as Netflix, NBC and TV Land all dropped planned projects featuring him or decided to stop airing some of his existing work.
The question is: Why now? What is it about this particular moment that has given this old news not only attention, but explosive, insistent, unrelenting traction?
The obvious but incomplete explanation is the Internet. Comedian Hannibal Burris was not the first to strike out at Cosby this fall, when in October he delivered a scathing standup routine calling the 77-year-old comedian a rapist. That honor went to the many reviewers of a biography of Cosby by former Newsweek editor Mark Whittaker, whose glaring omission of even a mention of the rape allegations in his 500-page book came in for withering criticism a month earlier. But the Internet was key, and the Cosby camp’s online response to viral video of Burris’ routine inadvertently fanned the flames, offering up a meme generator that, while meant as a way for viewers to show support (and to laugh off the charges as Cosby had successfully done in the past), quickly itself became a source of rape jokes.

But why did Burris’ comments go viral? Why did the Cosby rape meme take hold? What led so many to Share and Like and Comment in outrage when the very same charges had failed to resonate before?  Simply put, the facts haven’t changed — or at least not by much. But we have.

For decades, those who accused Cosby did so in the context of a world inclined not to believe them. Against a backdrop that saw “he said/she said” and deemed it just too complicated to sort out, and therefore looked away. At a time when good people, if pressed, would admit that they just couldn’t believe that a woman wasn’t somehow encouraging a man, particularly a powerful “catch” of a one.  Cosby, after all, wasn’t the only famous man we knew about but didn’t want to know.  Look at the allegations against singer R. Kelly, meticulously documented 15 years ago by the Chicago Sun-Times but essentially ignored by every other news outlet. And Lauer was not the only journalist who found it uncomfortable to air the Cosby charges. Atlantic writer Ta-Nehisi Coates, known for saying it as he sees it, profiled Cosby in 2008 and did not mention the allegations even though, he says now, “I believed Bill Cosby was a rapist.”  That Coates is publicly apologizing for his lapse now (“I don’t have many writing regrets. But this is one of them”); that the Village Voice is taking up the cause of R. Kelly’s alleged teenage victims anew; that Dominique Strauss-Kahn looks like he will actually stand trial, for “aggravated pimping,” after being repeated accused by women but not the legal system; that Canadian radio star Jian Ghomeshi was fired after several women said publicly that he’d sexually attacked them — all these are signs that something is different.

Now we accept that the football player who says “she fell and hit her head” can be proved wrong by the videotape. Now we have heard — really heard — the voices of too many college women telling us they don’t feel safe from their classmates on campus. Now we see the same facts differently. As Hanna Rosin wrote in Slate, “now that we know what we know, or, perhaps now that we know it at a time of heightened awareness about sexual assault….”
It is the way of history. Good people used to think one thing and then come to think something else. Often dismissed as political correctness, it is actually simple progress. And it is slow.  In the “we have come a long way but not far enough department,” there are still plenty of examples. Take the president of Lincoln University, Robert R. Jennings, who recently told a gathering of female students that rape allegations were too often lies by “young women who after having done whatever they did with young men, and after it didn’t turn out the way they wanted it to turn out, guess what they did? They then went to Public Safety and said, ‘He raped me.’” Jennings warned the women to remember that a rape charge could ruin a poor young man’s life because he might actually go to jail. That a man might actually have committed a crime and that the actual conviction rate for rapes on campuses is shockingly low seemed of little concern to Jennings.
That was in September — so stupidity and victim blaming are not completely relics of the past. But because of the Internet, students and parents easily shared the video (now there’s always a video) of Jennings’ speech. And because of the evolving public understanding of rape, there was outrage at that video, along with demands that Jennings resign. Add to that the new federal regulations that Jennings refers to, which give teeth to the requirement that schools report campus sexual assault charges to the authorities instead of continuing to handle them internally, and quietly.
There are growing expectations that Cosby should face consequences as well. Not legal ones, because the statute of limitations has expired, but perhaps other punishments, and pulling his body of work, past and future, from the airwaves is the first of those. TV Land’s decision means that 30 years after “The Cosby Show” debuted, nearly half a century after the first alleged incident, and more than a decade after the first public allegations were made, it became time for Cosby to pay a price.  He is still scheduled to appear in Florida tonight, but it’s a safe bet he won’t be making any Spanish Fly jokes. Times have changed. And so has the way his audience will hear him.”

I do have a lot to say about this, but, for the time being, I am still coming to grips with how to express what I really think about it.  For now, all I’ll say is my heart goes out to those women who have had to live with this for so long.

Something has got to change.

 

 

HERE, TAKE A PILL

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Why is it, generally speaking, that Western medicine tends to throw pills at the symptom and not get to the underlying condition that may be causing the problem to begin with?  Is it because we are lazy and want a quick fix?  Is it decades of training doctors in a certain way?  Is it an inability to change with the times?  Is it fear of some kind?

Don’t get me wrong, I myself took an antidepressant because I needed it to get my chemical imbalance, well, balanced.  I suffered for years from depression and/or clinical depression, and it had gotten to the point that even though I so did not want to take it, I knew I had to.  I fought it for a long time, but when I was in Key West in the bright February sunshine, out of the frigid Chicago winter, and I was still feeling awful, I knew the time had come.  At the time, I was seeing a therapist and he recommended a psychiatrist to me.  I reluctantly went.  The deal was I would continue with my therapist and I would see the psychiatrist once a month.  I made sure my doctor knew from the very beginning that I had no intention of staying on the medication indefinitely.  I asked how long I would have to take it.  My doctor told me, and keep in mind this was in 1997, usually people took it for about a year, maybe a little longer.  I said, okay, but I’m not taking it any longer than that.

At the time I was trying to get pregnant and, again keep in mind it was 1997, at the time the only antidepressant that was approved for and that had been tested on pregnant women was prozac.  So that’s what I was given.  Pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but it nearly killed me.  Every bad side-effect it was possible to get, I got.   I know now I should never have been given it at all, since I am in the bi-polar spectrum, and prozac is a huge no-no.  Not sure if this wasn’t known back then or that my doctor just dropped the ball, in a way.  It doesn’t really matter.  What matters is I was closely monitored and switched to wellbutrin as soon as it became clear that I was on the wrong medication.

What I find astounding is the number of people, mostly women, who have been on antidepressants for years.  YEARS!  And they have no intention of ever getting off of them.  I understand that there are legitimate reasons for being on a drug long-term, maybe even forever; but, mostly, I don’t believe this to be the case.  (Bi-polar disorder is a different story and those with it should take medication, though many don’t/won’t.)  I could not wait to stop taking it, even after finding the correct one for me.  It was a hateful drug, and though it accomplished what I needed, the re-balancing my chemicals, I was not sorry when I no longer had to take it.

And these days the hottest new ‘disorders’ to be diagnosed with are ADD and ADHD.  In the November issue of Oprah, an article written by Anna Maltby addresses this phenomenon, and it is alarming.  “A groundbreaking report released earlier this year by the prescription management company Express Scripts stated that the number of adults in the United States taking ADHD medications (which include Ritalin and Concerta, in addition to Adderall) rose 53 percent from 2008 to 2012.  It also found that women are using ADHD medication at notably higher rates than girls, with those in the 26 to 34 age range posting a staggering 85 percent jump in the use of such drugs in just five years.” According to ADHD researcher Keith Connors, PhD, professor emeritus at Duke University and the creator of a highly regarded rating scale commonly used to help diagnose the disorder, “It’s clear that one reason for the recent rise is over diagnosis.”   He goes on to say that, “There is a swarm of primary care doctors and psychiatrists who really don’t know that much about ADHD but are willing to give out a prescription.”

According to webmd.com:

“Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is one of the most well-recognized childhood developmental problems. This condition is characterized by inattention, hyperactivity and impulsiveness. It is now known that these symptoms continue into adulthood for about 60% of children with ADHD. That translates into 4% of the U.S. adult population, or 8 million adults. However, few adults are identified or treated for adult ADHD.

ADHD in Adults
Adults with ADHD may have difficulty following directions, remembering information, concentrating, organizing tasks, or completing work within time limits. If these difficulties are not managed appropriately, they can cause associated behavioral, emotional, social, vocational, and academic problems.

Common Behaviors and Problems of Adult ADHD
The following behaviors and problems may stem directly from ADHD or may be the result of related adjustment difficulties:

Anxiety
Chronic boredom
Chronic lateness and forgetfulness
Depression
Difficulty concentrating when reading
Difficulty controlling anger
Employment problems
Impulsiveness
Low frustration tolerance
Low self-esteem
Mood swings
Poor organization skills
Procrastination
Relationship problems
Substance abuse or addiction”

(After reading the list above, I doubt there is anyone on the planet that doesn’t suffer from several, if not most, of them.  Doesn’t mean you need to be medicated, though.)

Okay, the truth is I probably had/have ADHD, but even if this is the case, I have learned how to manage in spite of it.  I have a friend who kind of makes fun of me because I have, in her words, a very rigid routine.  What I now understand is, in order for me to function at the level I need to, to be able to be self-employed, it is imperative that I have a fixed routine.  I don’t consider it to be rigid, but I do my best to stick with it on a daily basis, otherwise nothing gets done.  Or at least not a lot gets accomplished.  Would a drug like Adderall help me?  Maybe, but I prefer to have my ‘rigid’ routine.  And let me say again, I do believe there are people who legitimately need to be on one of these drugs.  At the same time, I believe that many are misdiagnosed/overdiagnosed by physicians who simply do not know enough about it.

I feel like there are so many other available choices, such as diet, exercise, therapy, that may help, if not alleviate the problem all together.  Ultimately, though, we each need to do what we decide is best.

 

ZERO LIMITS

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I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you…these four statements are the essence of ho’oponopono.

“Ho’oponopono is a profound gift that allows one to develop a working relationship with the Divinity within and learn to ask that in each moment, our errors in thought, word and deed or action be cleansed.  The process is essentially about freedom, complete freedom from the past.”  This statement was written by Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona, creator of Self I-Dentity Ho’opononpono, and named a Living Treasure of the State of Hawaii in 1983.

In collaboration with Ihaleakala Hew Len, PhD., Joe Vitale wrote ‘Zero Limits in 2007.  As with a lot of the books I have read (and re-read) and that have had a positive impact on my life and my personal and spiritual transformation, I did not become aware of this book until several years after it was published.  I do not even recall how I ‘found’ it, or more accurately, how it found me.  All I really know is I love this book.  It resonated very deeply within me, and I clearly remember the first time I recited I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you and the absolute feeling of peace that settled over me.  I have successfully change the tape that runs in my head to I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.

As Dr Hew Len explained, “Simply put, ho’oponopono means, ‘to make right’ or to ‘rectify an error.’  Ho’o means ’cause’ in Hawaiian and ponopono means ‘perfection.’  According to the ancient Hawaiians, error arises from thoughts that are tainted by painful memories from the past.  Ho’oponopono offers a way to release the energy of these painful thoughts, or errors, which cause imbalance and disease.”

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In 2014, Joe Vitale wrote the follow-up book, “At Zero.”  This is also a wonderful book.   It seems to go just a step further than “Zero Limits.”  Although I have probably not done them justice with my short description, I highly recommend both of these books.

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ALLIGATOR SKIN

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You know how babies have really soft, smooth skin?  Well, that wasn’t me.  My mother said my skin was like an alligator:  rough, dry and scaly.  Lovely.  Then it was discovered I was allergic to water.  Yes, water!  Turned out it wasn’t so much water as it was the high mineral content of our water.  In any case, I had to be given a bath in a special solution, not like normal babies who got bathed in, well, water.  Clearly, I was never normal, right from the beginning.  My skin condition was never diagnosed.  It was kind of like psoriasis, but that wasn’t it.  No name was ever given to what I had.

Truthfully, I don’t remember how it affected me until I was a teenager., when it got really bad.  The red, horribly itchy rash was on the underside of my forearms and my hands.  Nothing helped, but a lot made it worse.  I was not allowed to do the dishes or clean the bathroom, and as wonderful as that might sound, it was a real pain.  Even gloves did not help, and actually made it worse because of the heat.  I made little splints with tongue depressors (having a mother who was a physician came in quite handy at times) and band-aids that I would fill with either Crisco (hey, it worked and have no ingredients that irritated my skin further) or vaseline and slip over my fingers.  If I didn’t do this, my hands would bleed.  My skin was so dry that no amount of lotion worked, but my ‘invention’ with the vaseline helped.

Not much could be done to help my forearms, though.  To help relieve the itchiness of them, I would use scalding hot water, which was really bad for it, but it was the only thing that made them stop itching, if only for a little while.  I also had the rash in my elbow pits and my knee pits.  Since I was told not to scratch myself with my fingernails, I used my hairbrush, and at night, since I would do it unconsciously in my sleep, I had to wear cotton gloves.  I guess I was kind of a mess!

At one point, when I was about 12 years old, it was so bad that I got taken to the doctor.  As this was not my mother’s specialty, and there was only so much she could do anyway, I went to a dermatologist.  I showed him all the places I had it on my body, and he said that he needed to look at my entire body to make sure it wasn’t any place else.  I knew it wasn’t anywhere else, but he insisted.  This was incredibly upsetting to me, and I went out into the waiting room to tell Mark, my brand new step-father, that the doctor wanted me to take all of my clothes off and I didn’t want to because I knew it was only where I had already shown the doctor.  Mark told me to listen to the doctor.  I was 12 and had developed early (most guys thought I was 20 years old because of my body) and because I was 12 and had the body of someone much older, I sure did not want this doctor seeing me naked.  I cried the whole time he was looking at my naked body, and when he finished, he said, “You don’t have the rash anywhere else.”  No shit, Sherlock!  Even now, thinking about it pisses me off.  It was, and probably still is, so typical of adults not to listen to a kid, and I can’t help but think it was a thrill for him to look at me naked.  Anyway, I was traumatized by this trip to the doctor and it just made me less likely to go again.

As I got older, I still had issues with it, but, eventually, I started growing out of most of it.  I did have an incident in my mid-20s while living in the suburbs of Chicago.  This was before they had Lake Michigan water.  It was well-water, and as it turned out, it had a very high mineral content.  This time I had it on my face and in my eyes.  What made this especially bad is I was modeling at the time and I looked a little like I had poison ivy all over my face–not a good look.  That time I went to the doctor and was given actifed, something I had taken as a child, though I had forgotten about it until then.  It is an antihistamine, basically. He also gave me cetaphil, which was not available at that point, except from a dermatologist.  He told me it was for people who are allergic to animal, mineral and vegetable fats.  Well, dang!  It worked though, and that was the important thing.  I still use cetaphil to this day.

I still have really dry skin and hair, but I’ve recently discovered a cure for it.  Olive oil!  I eat a tablespoon of it almost every day.  It has worked so well that I even gave myself oily hair, which I wasn’t happy about because it means I need to wash my hair more often.  I used to wash it once a week.  Now, I have to wash it every few days, though I probably should do it more often than I do.   But, luckily, even when my hair is dirty, it doesn’t look it.  And my skin is sooooo soft.  I mean, the baby soft I never, ever had.  And for the most part, I don’t have rashes anymore.  The only exception is when it’s really hot, I can still get it in my knee pits.  After all this time, though, when someone tells me I have beautiful skin, I probably look at them like they are crazy.  I do say, thank you, but inside, all I can think is, if they only knew!  Fortunately, the internal ‘scars’ don’t’ show and, for the most part, other than having an intense dislike of doctors, I am happy in my skin!

THE SECRET

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I did not hear about The Secret until a couple of years after it was out.   It sounded like it was something I would enjoy, so I, of course, got it.  I watched it and thought it was really good.  I have probably only watched it 3, maybe 4 times in all the years I’ve had it.  I  also have the book on CD, and  I’ve listened to it several times.  It’s just one of those books that you get something different from each time you read, watch or listen to it.  In fact, I just uploaded it from audible.com (it’s just easier to listen on my iPhone than to deal with discs) last night, and plan to listen to it on my walks this next week.  A lot of the contributors to the book/movie have become favorite authors of mine, as well.

What you may not know is there is a series of Secret books:  The Power, The Magic and Hero followed The Secret.

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“The Secret has been passed down through the ages… coveted, hidden, lost, stolen, bought for vast sums of money, and known by some of the most exceptional people who ever lived: Plato, Galileo, Da Vinci, Beethoven, Edison, and Einstein, to name but a few.

The Secret book reveals how you can change every aspect of your life. You can turn any weakness or suffering into strength, power, unlimited abundance, health and joy.

Everything is possible, nothing is impossible. There are no limits. Whatever you can dream of can be yours, when you use The Secret.”

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“The Power is the handbook to the greatest force in the universe – The Power to have everything you want.

Without The Power you would not have been born. Without The Power, there wouldn’t be a single human being on the planet. Every discovery, invention, and human creation comes from The Power. Perfect health, incredible relationships, a career you love, a life filled with happiness, and the money you need to be, do, and have everything you want, all come from The Power.

The life of your dreams has always been closer to you than you realized, because The Power – to have everything good in life – is inside you.

To create anything, to change anything, all it takes is just one thing…  The Power”

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“For more than twenty centuries, words within a sacred text have mystified, confused, and been misunderstood by almost all who read them. Only a very few people through history have realized that the words are a riddle, and that once you solve the riddle – once you uncover the mystery – a new world will appear before your eyes.

In The Magic, Rhonda Byrne reveals this life-changing knowledge to the world. Then, on an incredible 28-day journey, she teaches you how to apply this knowledge in your everyday life.

No matter who you are, no matter where you are, no matter what your current circumstances, The Magic is going to change your entire life!”

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“There is something special about you. There is something you were born to be or do that not one of the other seven billion of us was. There is a life you are meant to live; there is a journey you are meant to take. This book is about that journey.

Twelve of the most successful people living in the world today share their seemingly impossible stories, and reveal that you were born with everything you need to live your greatest dream – and that by doing so you will fulfill your mission and literally change the world.

Once, there was a hero.”

I’ve loved the books as well as the movie and would highly recommend them.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS – A TOLTEC WISDOM BOOK

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I loved this book when it was first given to me shortly after I did the Hoffman Process.  I then bought and gave it to everyone I knew.  I have read it many times and now even have it from audible.com.  Just as with any other book, listening to it is a whole other experience.  Since I love being read to, it’s perfect!

The Four Agreements are:

“BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD  Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY  Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS  Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others  as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST  Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.”

Simple enough, yes?  Well, maybe simple, but not necessarily easy to do.  Any yet I know that when I actually practice these 4 agreements, I am much happier.  The book, though relatively short, is quite powerful; and I’ve also found, the more I read it, the more likely I am to remember the agreements and to live by them.

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The author, Don Miguel Ruiz, has also written several other books, which are also good: “The Fifth Agreement,” “The Mastery of Love” and “The Voice of Knowledge,” among others.  All are just as insightful and inspiring, though my favorite remains “The Four Agreements.”

IT’S NOT A STRAIGHT LINE

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As much as I’d like it to be, as much as I’ve tried to make it be, it simply is not a straight line.    In my mind it goes something like this — you get attacked, you do whatever it takes to make sure your attacker is prosecuted and sent to prison, you go to therapy, and you are healed.  But what happens when you get attacked, you do everything you can to make sure your attacker is prosecuted and sent to prison, you go to therapy, and you aren’t quite healed?  If you are me, apparently, you beat yourself up for not being where you feel like you should (there I go, shoulding myself) be at this point.  I have been accused in the past of being too hard on myself, for holding myself to some impossible standard or ideal that pretty much no one could ever attain, and when I, of course, fail to achieve it, I then beat myself up.  This is a vicious cycle and it needs to stop.  The question is how to do I do this, how do I get off this merry-go-round?

I am not sure why I have such a hard time acknowledging and being proud of myself for how incredibly far I have already come.  I can easily say that I understand this to be true on some level, but I’m not sure I truly understand that to be the case.  I think I want it to be true, because otherwise all the work I’ve done, and it is considerable, would seem to be for nothing, and that might just put me over the edge.  Some days I do see the progress I’ve made and I feel good about it.  Other days, though, the most innocuous comment sends me off the deep end.  And, worst of all, sometimes it is me who makes that comment.  Like today.

I was accused (and rightly so) of being mean to myself.  At first I did not see it this way.  I was being sarcastic about what I was saying about myself.  I used to be a very sarcastic person (pre-Hoffman), but these days I rarely use sarcasm because I now understand that sarcasm is just thinly veiled anger.  And I make an effort to be kind, not condemning to others.  I somehow forget to include myself in that effort.  (How’s that for irony?)  Then it was pointed out to me that perhaps it is myself that I am angry at, for not being what I call ‘done with my healing.’  This, of course, starts me on the hamster wheel yet again.

All of this happened today in my energy healing session with Marsha Bliss.  I am still in physical pain, and though not a lot, it is still enough to make me want to do something to get rid of it.  While Marsha was working on me and we were talking about my post a week ago about my ‘new normal’, as in, is the way my life is now my new normal?  Marsha made up an example of someone who has lost a limb, and after a period of time, is now skiing.  This person has not let the lack of a leg stop them from moving forward.  This has become the new normal for them.  Something about that conversation triggered an incredible sadness in me and the tears to go with it.  Here’s the thing – when we see someone, (from the outside, because, really, unless you’ve been there, you can NEVER know what goes on behind the scenes, what goes on inside of them,) who has triumphed after a tragedy and we think, wow, this person is happy and has moved on and bla, bla, bla.  That’s just it, we simply do not know what happens when they go home at night, if they are crying themselves to sleep or are one step away from suicide or really are doing okay, in spite of it all.  We just don’t know.

 

I wrote the above paragraphs last night, and while I have no idea if they somehow influenced my dreams, I did have really weird dreams and woke up this morning feeling rather blue.  Then when I was going through my emails, I came upon the following quote, which gives me enormous hope:

“Energy and persistence conquer all things.”   ~Benjamin Franklin

I’ve been nothing if not persistent in my desire and actions to move through this traumatic event.  And something else Marsha said yesterday has been running around in my head, and that is that we are never done with whatever it is we are doing in our lives.  If we’re done, we’re dead.  I get this, I really do.  I understand that once we get through, put behind us or in some other way move on from a situation, traumatic or otherwise, something else is bound to come up.  We’ve all heard the adage that God, Life, the Universe (whatever word you want to use) never gives us more than we can handle.   I believe this.  I even have it posted above my desk (don’t always remember to look up to read it, but it’s there.)  And as much as I subscribe to this belief, I always just as often forget about it.  I think what all this means to me is I just have a lot more stuff to deal with, and not all of it, maybe even none of it, has anything directly to do with my attack.  I definitely attribute, if not all, most of what I am dealing with these days to that one event, and that would be because so much of it seems to stem from it.  Physically, I have not been the same since, so it makes sense that it would be the reason.  And, really, it probably is.  At the same time, what this also means is there is still unresolved issues from my past that are arising now because I am finally at a place in my evolution that I am able to deal with them.  That is both comforting and annoying.   So, to paraphrase F. Scott Fitzgerald from “The Great Gatsby,” I beat on, boat against the current, born back ceaselessly in the past.

 

 

THE BOOK THAT STARTED IT ALL

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Back in 2000, when I realized I had to get a divorce, again, my husband asked if we could go to couple’s counseling.  I said yes.  My acupuncturist at the time gave me the name of a wonderful therapist, and we went to her.   Trouble was, it was very clear right from the start that therapy was not the answer, at least not as a couple.  I continued seeing Cate by myself, though.  Cate was also the person who eventually recommended Hoffman to me, which as you know if you read my posts about my experiences doing the Process, was life altering and life saving for me.  Anyway, I was just reading through my journal from the fall of 2000, looking for specifics about when exactly Cate recommended the “Conversations With God” series of books.  I found two references to it in my journal, but nothing more than that.  I do know that, although she told me about the books in November, after I returned from doing the Process in Wisconsin, I did not actually read the first one until later in December.

I came out to California to look for a place to live, and had no luck.  I needed a very specific house, with hardwood floors, a fenced yard, a garage, etc.  Rental properties in Los Angeles were so different from those in Chicago, so much more expensive, and Chicago in not an inexpensive city.  So after a week of searching, I went back to Chicago empty-handed, so to speak.  Then I read “Conversations With God,” and my whole outlook and way of speaking to myself changed.  Let me back up a minute here before I explain just how impactful the book was.  If you had asked me at any point in my life if I believed in God, my answer would have been a resounding NO!  I had had unpleasant experiences with religion as a teenager and had never seen anything good about it.  When I finally read CWG, Book 1, I suddenly understood why I had such a negative view of God and religion.  I realized that I did believe in God, just not in a vindictive, mean God, which was my understanding of what/who God was up to that point.  It was truly a life-changing book for me, and when I came back out to Los Angeles in January of 2001 to look again for a house, I found what I was looking for.  When I made the trip in December, I kept saying, ‘I hope I find a house.’  After reading CWG, I understood I had been ‘asking’ in the wrong way.  For the second trip, I said, ‘thank you for my new home.’  I knew I would be shown exactly what I needed, at a price that I could afford, in an area I wanted to be.  I KNEW!  And that’s what made the difference.  What I learned from CWG, and many subsequent books since, was it is all in the way we ask for or intend things in our lives.  In my daily prayers, I never ask for anything.  I simply thank God for whatever it is, as if it is already here.  So instead, as an example, of saying, ‘Please send me more work,’ I say, ‘thank You for all the great jobs I have.’  Because even if I don’t have any work at that moment, I know more is on the way.  And why was this such a life-changer for me?  Because right from the start it worked!  And continues to each and every day.

I went on to read CWG, Book 2 and Book 3, and have since read and listened to all 3 numerous times since.  I highly recommend them, especially if you have a ‘problem’ with organized religion or the concept of God.  They just made sense to me in a way that nothing else, to that point, ever had.  In the last few months, I have also listened to and/or read “The New Revelations,” “Communion With God,” “What God Said,” and “Friendship With God.”  I loved each one, though I think my favorite with always remain the first one I ever read, “Conversations With God, Book 1.”

IS THIS MY NEW NORMAL?

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Just when I think I’m all done…Since it has been a little over three years, for some reason, I think my healing should be complete. Is this too much to ask for? I’ve worked really hard. I did I intense therapy (EMDR) for 14 months; I’ve read and reread (okay, actually I’ve listened and listened again, since I still have some trouble reading a book) books designed to help me through the trauma, and really, life in general; I workout again on a regular basis; I write about my experiences each week; I feel really good, for the most part. Oh, I have my moments, but they are few and far between. So why, oh why, is my body still hanging onto the muscle memory of my attack?

I am unable to walk, as in my working out walk, near the Hotel Del without a physical reaction. Usually this means that when I get too close, my back starts hurting. The really weird thing is I do yoga on Thursdays and Sundays practically in front of the Del, and that isn’t a problem. I can even go inside the hotel without a response, but if I walk anywhere near it, my body seems to think I’m still in some kind of danger. It is beyond frustrating. Do I have to walk by the Del?  No, but this is not a huge island and not being able to walk on that side of it definitely limits where I can walk. More importantly, how can I get my body to understand that I am safe? That proximity to where my attack happened does not mean it is going to happen again. Or is this something that I will just have to live with for the rest of my life?  Is this really my new normal?

And as if the physical aspect of this isn’t enough…last Saturday at my Hoffman gathering, during one of the visualizations, up came my attack.  This was quite a surprise as with this particular tool, it is usually a scene from childhood that comes up.  No such luck.  And whereas I normally cannot see the patterns I am still hanging onto, I clearly saw and understood what they are this time.  Rats!  Even more distressing was the second time we did the visualization, I got the same dang scene.  That really threw me.  After we complete the elevators, we pair off to discuss them.  I simply did not wish to go into it with my partner.  It was nothing personally against him, but he is a guy, and a guy is the reason for my attack, so I chose to let him tell his scenes and I kept quiet about mine.  Because I am usually more forthcoming at these gatherings, the facilitator was a little curious as to why I did not want to share with my partner.  In the end, I ended up sharing it, to a degree, with the entire group.  Again, it wasn’t anything personal, but it was such a shock that it came up this way and I wanted time to think about it on my own.

So what have I thought about since Saturday?  Honestly, not much.  It seems that the memories come and go and I, apparently, have no real control over them.  I know that I want, more than anything, to be completely over my attack.  And maybe this is just unrealistic.  Do we ever totally get over the traumatic events of our lives?  Or is it more of a fading of the memories over time?  In the scheme of things, three years really isn’t that long.  It feels like it is, but, really, it just isn’t.  It feels like I’ve been dealing with this forever.  I just want to feel good again.  Like, really good, in mind, body and spirit.  I don’t think this is too much to ask.

If this is my new normal, (and just what is normal?), then, perhaps an attitude adjustment of sorts is in order.  What I’ve done, and continue to do, is what has gotten me to this point, and I think I am on the right track, so I just need to keep on keeping on, trusting that I’ll be finished with my healing when I’m finished with my healing.  There is no rushing it, as much as I’d like to, and as much as I keep trying to.  Clearly, that is not working.  And the truth is, I am much better able to deal with the mental aspects of this far better than the physical ones.  (After I finished my therapy and then five days later my back went out, I realized that I’d rather have to do another 14 months of intense mental work than have physical pain.  That, I am really not good at handling.)  As far as my body goes, I know I just need to keep moving it.  I need to feed it good, clean food.  I need to do my best to stay away from the things that make me feel worse, like my old friend sugar.  I do so well for a time, and then I fall off that sugar wagon.  Again.  Right now, I am half on, half off, which I guess is better than completely on, but not nearly as good as completely off.  Working on it, though.  Every day.  And getting used to the idea that this is my normal now, and that’s okay.  It is what it is.

SHIFT HAPPENS

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Just the title alone is enough to land this book on my favorites list!  And by the way, the order in which I ‘review’ and/or list these books is not an indication of anything other than it is a book that has meant something to me and my journey towards healing.  This book was published in 2000, but I didn’t become aware of it until about 2 years ago.  I have listened to it several times and read the actual book, too, a couple of times.  Clearly, it speaks to me.  And each time I’ve listened to or read it, I’ve gotten something different, whatever it was I needed at that particular moment.

The introduction of the book:

“Two caterpillars were crawling along a tree branch one day when a butterfly flew overhead.  One caterpillar said to the other, ‘You will never get me up in one of those things.’  Shift Happens! is about personal alchemy and inner transformation.  Some people “go” through life; and other people “grow” through life.  Shift Happens! celebrates your unlimited potential to grow, blossom and evolve–in spite of everything.  It is a book of hope.  The term personal alchemy describes the ability to take a piece of dirt, roll it around a few times and fashion it into a pearl.  This is what an oyster does.  Personal alchemy is what your grandmother called turning lemons into lemonade.  It is what old wizards describe as turning straw into gold.  Shift Happens! is about staying open all hours for miracles.  Success, love and happiness are only ever one thought away at most.  One new perception, one fresh thought, one act of surrender, one change of heart, one leap of faith can change your life forever.”

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From the back cover of the book:  “Robert Holden, Ph.D., shares a powerful mix of principles and exercises–from his private coaching practice–that can create real breakthroughs in your life.  Writing in a short essay-style, Robert shows you how to tap into the inner gold of your true nature, unblock yourself, release fears, drop the struggle, transform relationships and live a happier life.”

If you go to his web sites, either robertholden.org or behappy.net you will find that he has other more recent books, including one called Holy Shift!  (I just love the titles he chooses!)