When I started this blog on the one year anniversary of my attack, it was to help me deal with and understand what I had been through as a result of my encounter with DCD. I also wanted to help other women who had gone through, or were still going through, a similar event. I thought that others would eventually want to share their stories. So far, though, I seem to be the only one telling my story, and that’s okay. As I’ve shared my story and continue to have issues come up, as a direct or indirect result of being sexually assaulted, I can see that my entire story, not just the approximately 2-minute or 5-minute, or however long my assault actually took, is just as important. Everything we go through in our lives gets us to where we are right now, in this very moment, and all of it matters. Of course, some things or events matter more than others, but it all does impact us in some way.
When I was thinking about what to write in this week’s post, I went to my garage and got into my box of old journals. After some skimming of about 10 or 12, I settled on the one that runs from 4 April 2001 -11 November 2001. I brought it in the house and into my bed to read until the ‘right’ entry jumped out at me. This period of my life was just ager my divorce from J and I had moved from Chicago to West Hollywood. What follows is what I wrote on 24 June 2001…
“Once again, I am drinking wine and shortly, no doubt, I’ll start feeling melancholy, as I usually do when drinking, especially when I am alone. And, of course, I am alone. I am hardly anything else. But since I like being alone, this should be a good thing. I’m beginning to wonder though. As I was sitting here reading (looking, though, is probably more accurate) Cooking Light, I suddenly had the inspiration that I should, once again, write down what it is I want in my life. So here is my updated list: I want someone to share with. The day-to-day stuff that is usually such a pain is sorely lacking in my life. I want and need someone here. (Elaina was right about this.) I want someone to talk to, and I mean really talk, not just silly, it-doesn’t-really-matter stuff. I want someone to go to the Hollywood Farmer’s Market (or whichever) with. I want to cook dinner with someone. I want someone in my bed every night, and I don’t mean Emily. I want physical contact. I need it. I want to go to the Hollywood Bowl and listen to jazz (even though I don’t care for jazz.) I want to be building a life with someone (besides myself.) I still want to have a baby. I want to get a dog. I want to, once and for all time, STOP BEING AFRAID. I want to have more patience. I want to love unconditionally and be loved in return the same way. I want to live for today, and for myself, instead of waiting until that certain someone comes along and is here in my life. I want to honestly enjoy everything. I want to stop saying I don’t like things, and just do them anyway. I want to teach. I want to write my book about my life so that I can help thousands, maybe even millions, of people. I want to write children’s books, so kids can understand that they are important, that what they think and feel is the most important thing in the world, no matter what anybody says. I want to see DPS again. I want to create beautiful things. I want to live according to what I believe. I want to tell my truth, always. I want to travel and see the world. I want to learn to sail and buy that sail boat so that I can sail around the world. I want to stop being stuck. I want to do what I feel is right. I want to see SG. I want to stop being afraid of what he’s going to say or do or not do. I want to stop putting my life on hold because of him. I want to truly believe that all is happening for the best, that my life is exactly where it should be. I want passion. I WANT SEX. I am so tired of being lonely. I want to stop being afraid. I want to know why I am so afraid. I want to talk to M, I mean really talk to him, on Friday. I want to spend time with him. I want to kiss him. Boy, do I want to kiss him. I would love to be able to tell him that. Better yet, I would like to just do it. I want to understand why I’m here (in L.A. specifically, but in the world generally.) I want to understand why I seem to attract and be attracted to those men who are ‘unavailable’ for one reason or another. Why? I want to understand why it is that every Tom, Dick and Harry that I pass by on the street tells me I am beautiful, but the very people I want to tell me never do, even though they may think it. Why? I want to know why it is I am so weepy lately (even without the wine.) I want to know why I keep losing my faith in the very things I am so sure about. I’m not going to say that I want to be happy, because, in reality, I am happier than I’ve ever been in my life even though I am the most confused. I know in my heart that I am doing, and have been doing, the right things for the last 9 or so months. Still, it feels so not right at times. Perhaps one of the reasons it feels bad at times is that no one really wants to hear the truth. Change is scary and no one knows that as well as I. But I did it anyway. In spite of what I was hearing from most people (my family,) I did it anyway, and I continue to do it. Most don’t understand. And as much as I don’t want that to matter, it somehow seems to anyway. I’m working on it. I guess for my whole life I have instinctively known what I had to do, and for the most part, have done it. I just wish I had the outside support I seem to crave. I’m on my own, though. Except, I am never truly alone because I’ve always got God and the Universe and my guides and angels and spirits with me. What more could I ever really ask for?
Alcohol is such a depressant, and yet, I’d love to drink even more. Why? I’d say I just want to be numb. I know it won’t do me any good though, and I’ll just feel like dog doo tomorrow, so I’ll be a relatively good girl and not have any more to drink tonight. Not to mention, it will only make me feel worse.”
Some things never change. Although the above journal entry was written more than 13 years ago, a lot of what I was ‘wanting’ in my life is still what I want today. I hope, though, that I have a better understanding of where I am and my place in the world. What is most interesting to me is I forgot about a lot of things that I wanted back then. Sail around the world? Really?