The following are entries from my journal:
12 July 2012
“‘Trying times are not indications that we have been forgotten or have lost our connection with the Divine. Rather, they are times of growth and healing and we need to turn away from doubt and fear in order to realize the good that is unfolding for us.’ (Not sure where I got this quote, nor who said it. I neglected to give credit to the author in my journal.)
13 July 2012
I do not believe I am about to write what I’m about to write. I do not even know what to feel. That fucking cockroach boy has, apparently, filed an appeal. As I have not yet talked to anyone who might actually know how this will impact my project, I don’t actually know if I have to wait some more. I am pissed — that much I do know. Un-fucking-believable.
10:35p I finally was able to talk with Kim and she gave me the perspective I was missing: everyone appeals. Still, I need to find out exactly what this means for me. Beyond that, I am choosing not to give a flip.
17 July 2012
I heard back from the D.A. and, basically, she told me not to worry about the appeal, to go ahead and do whatever it is I need to do to heal from the attack. That makes me feel better.
18 August 2012
‘In life, you always get what you ask for AND it rarely comes in the package you think it’s supposed to come in.’ ~Kurek Ashley
Talk about a package I wasn’t expecting! We always tend to think of the “good” things coming in packages we weren’t expecting (several unexpected people come to mind here) and forget that everything shows up that way: the good and the not-so-good. For a very long time, several years, I had been asking for something, really anything, different in my life. I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted. I just felt I needed a change. Well, my change arrived in the form of a sexual assault in a package I never dreamed or expected could ever happen to me. I recognized it from the very beginning as a blessing in disguise, though there was much therapy to go through before I would be able to truly appreciate it. And the truth is I’m still in therapy and dealing with it, though each day I’m a little closer to being able and ready to forgive my attacker. (Note-This was written almost 10 months ago, and as far as being able to forgive cockroach boy, well, I am still working on it. I know I will eventually get there.)
21 August 2012
Had a bit of what I consider a set-back in therapy. Susie would disagree with my assessment. And, really, it’s not exactly a set-back. I just thought I was closer to being finished than I apparently am. It’s more disappointing than anything else. It has to do with me going back to the “scene of the actual crime.” I’ve been thinking about it and brought it up yesterday. Turns out I’m not nearly as ready as I thought I was. Since the thought of it literally makes me want to throw-up and makes me cry, I’ve obviously still got some more clearing to do. Slowly, but slowly…
28 August 2012
Obviously, haven’t much like writing. One day soon I hope that all I’ve been neglecting will fall back into place and I’ll once again be productive.
It’s amazing to me that I can be going along, day after day, feeling pretty dang good considering, and then one day (like today) I wake up and feel like I am in a hole, that all the work I’ve done has been for nothing and that if only the zillion pound elephant sitting on me would get off of me, I’d be fine. I must feel even worse than I realize because this morning, for the first time EVER, I couldn’t do my walk even after I got up, got dressed and actually walked out the door. I basically walked around the block, came home, got in my car and drove up town to get a breakfast sandwich. Wow! I’m worse than I thought. And now, in hopes it’ll help, I’m ditching making pillows and am going to a movie.”
A friend asked me the other day, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being completely healed, where would I put myself? I answered a ’10.’ Because the truth is I am completely healed. That doesn’t mean that I am happy about what happened or that, as I already mentioned, I have even forgiven cockroach boy yet. What it does mean is I am not suffering in the ways I was for so long. My brain is functioning normally, or at least as normally as it ever has for me. None of the triggers I had before are still present. I see it almost as something that happened to someone else. And although I mostly choose not to, I am even able to walk in the dark. Granted, I am not going far and I am going to meet someone to actually do my walk with. And these times of walking in the dark have all been in the morning, which means the sun will be rising soon. The other night, though, I did feel like walking around the block, in the dark, way past sunset, and I did it! I was never scared, nor was I constantly looking over my shoulder. I’d say that is real progress and just reaffirms that I am healed. Who knows if I’ll ever go back to the way I used to walk, very early in the morning and in total darkness? I may not, but I like knowing that the option is there for me, even if I never use it.