As I was reading through my journal last night, I was/am amazed at the way I thinking and the ways in which my brain was and was not working. I also wrote a lot more than I thought I did, especially at the beginning. As I told my boyfriend the other day, he (and everyone else now) will learn a lot more of what was going on with me post-attack than I let on. Part of that was not understanding what I was truly going through, part was that I didn’t want him to think I was a complete loser or nut case and part was I didn’t want to be a bother, to him or anyone. It is so interesting how our brains work to protect us, especially in times of great trauma. I definitely learned a whole lot more about a lot of things, including the brain, than I ever thought I would. And the brain is quite a fascinating organ. I will share more about this at a later date.
My post today is taken directly from my journal. It is exactly what I was feeling and going through a year ago today.
1 November 2011
Turns out the weird feelings I’m having are all part of the process. More symptoms are coming out. My body and mind have, apparently, been in protection mode since the attack and I’m just starting to feel some things. Knowing this does not make it any easier. In fact, knowing that it will most likely get a whole lot worse before it gets better does not make me happy at all. NOT AT ALL. There is such a disconnect in my brain. I did manage to go to yoga this morning. It is about the only thing I seem capable of actually doing.
I have got to force myself to do some work. For the first time in a while, I actually have several jobs waiting to be done. It’s not that I don’t want to work. I do. I can’t seem to concentrate long enough, or well enough, to do what needs to be done. I think the reason I was able to do the pillows the week before last is because I didn’t really have to ‘think’ about how to do them, since I’ve made about a million pillows. The baby bumper I’m supposed to be doing is quite another story. I even have the actual bumper to copy and I look at it and cannot figure out how to do it. I’m visualizing over and over making it in my mind so that I am able to make it in reality.
I talked to Bill four different times yesterday! He even wanted to come take me to dinner, but, basically, I talked him out of it. It’s not that I didn’t want to see him and I know he really wanted to see me, but he was exhausted and I haven’t shaved my legs in over a week. It seemed a better idea for him to sleep in his own bed and to, hopefully, get a good night’s sleep. And he has an appointment with his eye doctor this morning. So, maybe I’ll see him later today. I guess there’s a part of me that doesn’t even want to see him at all. It’s the part that’s doing it’s best to protect me from being hurt anymore. I truly do not believe, though, that he will hurt me and, right now, it is such a battle going on inside me.
One thing Susie mentioned (again) yesterday was how hopeful she is for my recovery from this trauma (and all the others that are still stuck in my brain/body) because of all the deep, intense work I’ve done in the past and just how hard I’ve fought to remain alive. And still, in spite of that, that small part of me that wants to check out early is alive and well. Oh, joy! Okay, not so much. Will it ever get easier? Will that feeling ever go away completely? It’s not that I am really afraid that I’ll do anything, but it is so disconcerting knowing it may rear its ugly head at the most inopportune moments, throwing me into, if not actual depression, then at least into panic-mode. It pretty much sucks. I just want to feel happy and whole again.