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The following post is three entries directly from my journal. I didn’t write nearly as much as I would’ve, could’ve or should’ve, but, at the time, simply putting one foot in front of the other and doing my best to deal with all that had happened was more than I could handle in any given day. The fact that I managed to get anything down is amazing to me.
14 October 2011
I think I’ve finally found the therapist (Susie Morgan) who will actually be able to help me heal from the trauma I’ve suffered. I’ll see her on Tuesday at 11:30a and then see Eve at 2p. Eve is definitely more conveniently located. Susie is in Encinitas. Oh, well.
I told Bill that I need (it feels like something I just really HAVE to do) him to take me surfing. He told me to bring my wet suit and we’ll go on Sunday. Yikes!
21 October 2011
I’ve been thinking that this whole thing was for cockroach boy to get the help he needs, that I ‘agreed’ to participate for him, not me. What if, however, this whole situation was the only way to get ME into therapy to deal with the last several years of my life, all of which have been fairly stressful, even if I chose not to see it? Maybe it is about ME. Well, crap. Didn’t see that coming…
27 October 2011
I had another epiphany this morning on my walk/run and that is that’s it’s okay for me to feel happy, in spite of what’s happened and even though I have a lot of work to do on releasing (and actually dealing with) this trauma.
***Another note — some clarification — I refer to my attacker as cockroach boy. I am sure at some point I will use his name, but, mostly, I do not wish to give him that honor. (Yes, I know that I need to forgive him, not for him, but for me. And no, I haven’t gotten there yet.) Bill is my boyfriend, who has been unbelievably loving and supportive and encouraging through this whole process. I was very lucky in that I had a VERY strong support system in place before the attack and he, along with several key friends and family members, were extremely important in getting me through this. I know that eventually I would have made it through, but, honestly, I don’t think I’d be where I am now if not for him.
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