Tag Archives: PTSD

THE COURT TRANSCRIPT — PART 2

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Just as I did with the last post, I will add my comments to the proceedings in italics to differentiate it from the transcript.  It is easier than going back at the end and trying to remember what I wanted to say about a particular statement made by either the D.A. or the C.A. (cockroach’s attorney.)

At the end of my last post, I was just about to give my statement to the court.

 

“THE COURT:  Okay.  Anything from the victim, then, Miss Shriver?  Miss Shriver, is it okay if I use your full name?

Miss Shriver:  Sure.  (I had/have no problem with anyone or everyone knowing my name or what happened to me.  The girl who is called Jane Doe #2 did not want cockroach boy to see her face and chose not to come to court.  Me, I did not, nor do I care still.)

There is then the spelling of my name and some other, boring court business and then:

THE COURT:  Okay.  All right.  So we’ll be off the record for the recording of the statement that I have.  It’s entitled, “My Statement For The Court.”  Okay, go ahead.

Off the record.

THE COURT:  Okay.  Back on the record.  Thank you very much.  Is there anything else from the people?

D.A.:  I have provided the criminal protective order to the Court in Miss Shriver’s name.

THE COURT:  And you’re just requesting it as to Miss Shriver?

D.A.:  Yes, Your Honor.

THE COURT:  Is there anything from probation?

D.A.:  No, Your Honor.

THE COURT:  Anything else?

C.A.:  Yes, Your Honor.  If the Court is inclined to grant — impose prison as opposed to a grant of probation, I would ask the Court to give him the low sentence of two years in state prison; not only based on the fact that he doesn’t have any adult (only because no one ever pressed charges and followed through.  He does have a juvenile record that was also entered into the record, so she really was trying to gloss over the actual facts of the case.  Imagine that!) criminal record, but also on the facts of this particular crime and all of the statements in mitigation that I — that I included, I’m sorry, in my sentencing memorandum.

Again, under the rules of Court this is less severe than other crimes that we see.  (I have to say here again that just reading this and typing it is pissing me off.  She could not possibly understand how severe it truly was and how can she even presume to compare it to any other case?  It is just infuriating.)  There was absolutely no planning (HA) or sophistication whatsoever.  (It may not have been ‘sophisticated’ and I’m not even sure how she would define this, but all I can say is there was no hesitation on his part.  Even if he had never ‘practiced’ this on a real person, he sure did practice it in his head.  I’ll say it again:  THERE WAS NO HESITATION AT ALL.)  It’s just the opposite, that he was drinking all night long with his friends and then just did this impulsive act.  (I would think that if an individual was, in fact, drinking ALL night long, he would reek of alcohol, and this was not the case.  I would believe that he was doing drugs all night, but no one tested him for that.)

I — after reading the probation report, I assumed that it was clear that cockroach boy has had a long history of mental health issues.  If there’s any doubt about that, I would be happy to continue this (Fat chance of the judge postponing, yet again, this case because of her incompetence and not getting the psyche evaluation done.  Oh, let me think about that–she had 9 stinking months to do her job, or if she did actually have it done, then it was so damning that she chose not to include it in the probation report.) and provide actual documents to the Court and to the District Attorney’s office.  They’re voluminous, and I didn’t think it was in doubt, so that’s why I did not attach them to the sentencing memorandum.  (Did she not think the judge could figure out what was relevant and what was not?)

And with regard to Static 99 (The Static-99 is a ten item actuarial assessment instrument created by R. Karl Hanson, Ph.D. and David Thornton, Ph.D. for use with adult male sexual offenders who are at least 18 year of age at time of release to the community. It is the most widely used sex offender risk assessment instrument in the world, and is extensively used in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia, and many European nations.), I put in my email the reason that I attached it was that it’s not — it’s not scientific.  It’s not something that we can rely on.  And even if we could, cockroach boy falls in the moderate to high, as analyzed by the professor.  (And which part of moderate to high is a good thing?  It wasn’t like the test said ‘slim to no chance’ of him doing it again.  The test said ‘moderate to high.’  That seems a huge risk to take, letting him back into society.)

I disagree with the analysis, but even if we were to assume the of four is correct, the high category starts at six, and is even worse at eight or ten.  So even if we were to use this tool, which I don’t think is effective, he still is not at hight risk even taking that into consideration.

And, again, the only way that things will change is if we offer his some solid, intensive supervision and treatment.  (Yeah, and he has to actually participate in the therapy/treatment, which in all the therapy and treatment he received prior to my attack, he clearly did not do.)

THE COURT:  Okay.  I’ve — first of all, let me say that I don’t think that the case is less serious than other 220 cases.  I think there’s room to say that it’s more serious than other 220 cases because 220 can be so –run the gamut as far as what that might include.

But I do think that this case involved an attempted forcible rape.  I think that the victim and the D.A. are correct, that had the defendant continued and been able, had there not been a good Samaritan as to this victim nearby, that this would have resulted in a completed rape.

And considering one strike, considering the sexual offense statutes that exist these days, I don’t think that the — the–this is an unusual case as far as a 220.  I think that it’s more on the aggravated end as far as the 220 is concerned.

I think that the defendant also has — I believe the defendant also has two rather serious misdemeanor — I mean — not misdemeanor, juvenile offenses in his background.

And I don’t doubt that he has some severe mental health problems and issuers, but obviously alcohol and not taking his medication doesn’t help that.  And I don’t think it makes him less serious of a risk to society.  I think he represents a serious danger to women in our community.

I’ve considered whether or not he should be granted probation.  As I said, I didn’t see under 1203.65–or 12030.65 itself that 220 was there.  But even–even if he wasn’t a mandatory prison case, even if it was presumptive prison, I would not grant probation in this case for the following reasons:  the fact that I think that the case is very serious; the fact that the crime — as far as mitigates versus aggravates in this case, I find that the only mitigate really in the case is that he entered a plea in the readiness department.

But I note that he — the case against him appears to me to have been strong.  So I don’t think that he’s probation suitable regardless.  The case involves great violence, great threat of bodily harm, and I think for the facts themselves that he deserves prison.  And, therefore, probation is hereby denied.  (Huge sigh of relief here for me.)

As to the term of the offense, I am going to follow the Probation recommendation of six years.  I find that the mitigates are, under Rule 423 (B) (3), that the defendant acknowledged wrongdoing at an early stage.  However, I note that — as Probation does — he did receive sentencing consideration in return;  (I believe that he was originally offered a two-year sentence and, just guessing here, that his stupid attorney recommended he turn it down.) other counts were dismissed, significant counts.  (I may have said it before, but originally he was charges with 4 felonies:  assault and battery, sexual assault, attempted rape and confinement.  So, in the end, he was only charged with attempted rape.)

As far as the circumstances in aggravation that the court is considering, I consider under (A) (L) that the — under 421 (A) (1), the crime involved great violence and the threat of great bodily harm.  And that it would have resulted in — appears to have resulted and would have resulted in a completed rape had he not been interrupted by a witness.

But I also do find that the case involved planning, was sophisticated.  I find under Rule 421 (B) (1) that the defendant has engaged in violent conduct; that it’s — indicates a serious danger to society.

Under Rule (B) (2) that as a juvenile he sustained true findings for 422 and 242; that he threatened to blow up the school when he was only 12 years old.  And when he was 15 years old, that he was  apparently using drugs and hit his father at the time.  And he begins the instant offenses.  (Not quite sure what this means.)

Also, as to a dismissed count, he threatened to stab a former employee.  That did not result in a conviction, but I’ve considered that.  (Yea, Judge!!!)

I’ve also considered the fact in the case involving Jane Doe #2.  I’ve also considered as an aggravant under Rule 421 (B) (5) his prior performance on juvenile probation has been unsatisfactory; and under Rule 408, that other counts were dismissed for which he could have received a consecutive sentence.

Based on that, I find that the upper term of six years is the appropriate term.

Therefore, the defendant– as far as the case is concerned, probation is hereby denied.  The defendant is committed to the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation for the term of six years, with credit for 276 actual days, 41 2933.1 credits, a total of 317 days credit.  (So, six years less 317 days; of the sentence he has to serve 85%.)

The fines are $40 court security fee, the $30 ICNA fee.  The defendant is ordered to register as a sex registrant for the rest of his life.

A few other ‘housekeeping issues’ and then:

THE COURT:  All right.  You’re also not to have any contact directly, indirectly, personally, electronically, telephonically or written with Tamerie, T-A-M-E-R-I-E; Shriver,                    S-H-R-I-V-E-R.  You’re not to have any contact with her through a third-party except an attorney of record, not to go within 100 yards of her.”

 

A few more details and then his attorney asked that he remain locally, so that his family could visit him more easily.  I was sitting there shaking my head ‘no’ but the judge did grant that request.  And that was it.  It was over.  After a very long nine months, which he spent in the city jail, he would now be moved to the state prison that is down near the border.  As far as I was concerned, Alcatraz would have been more suitable, but I wasn’t asked for my input on the facility.

Next post I will tell you about what happened after court, when we walked out into the main area.  All I’ll say now is that I was accosted by his father and sister.

THE COURT TRANSCRIPT – PART ONE

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Today’s post is coming directly from the court transcript.  To differentiate my comments from the content of the transcript, I will put my comments in italics, and everything else  from that delightful day will be in regular type.  I will not be including all of the transcript, just the pertinent parts.  If you’ve ever been to court or watched a court proceeding on television, you know there is a lot of superfluous chatter, and while important to the overall case, it is not important enough to bore you with.  Also, for some reason I have never chosen to use my attacker’s name and have just referred to him as cockroach boy.  I will continue to do that.  Part of it is I don’t want to give him the honor of naming him and partly because I still see him as a cockroach.  I will also not use his attorney’s or the D.A.’s names.  This is all part of the public record, but I feel like it is somehow ‘cleaner’ to leave actual names out.

We went to court in Chula Vista, because Coronado is in the “South Bay” district of San Diego.

“IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA IN AND FOR THE COUNTY OF SAN DIEGO                                                                                                                  SOUTH COUNTY DIVISION

SAN DIEGO, CA – THURSDAY, JUNE 25, 2012 – 2:40 PM

THE  COURT:  Okay, I have read and considered the probation report and the recommendation.  I’ve also read and considered the sentencing memorandum.  It looks like there are some statements from the victims (besides my statement, there was a statement from the girl he pulled the bathing suit bottoms down of the month before my attack.)  So let me read those.

D.A.:  Thank you.

THE COURT:  Have you seen these?  (Speaking to cockroach boy’s attorney, referred to from now on as ‘C.A.’ for cockroach attorney.)

C.A.:   Yes, Your Honor.

THE COURT:  Okay.  I’ve read the letters from the victims as well.  Do you wish to be heard as far as sentence?

C.A.:  Yes, Your Honor.  I will not reiterate everything that I wrote in my sentencing memorandum.  I would like to point out that cockroach boy has family members here. They have been here for all of the court hearings as well as his stepfather. (Now, this was a big, fat lie.  Laura and I were there for all the hearings, including the bail hearing 4 days after the attack, and  NEVER were any family members present.)  He has several family members that have been here each of his court hearings.  He does have a lot of support.

 But most importantly, I don’t think it’s possible to understand cockroach boy or his actions unless his mental health issues are taken into consideration.  Even without the mental health issues, under the Rules of Court the — this court does have to take into consideration the seriousness of the crime as it relates to other crimes that we see in this courtroom all the time.

 And based on what we normally see, this was relatively–I don’t want to use a word that minimizes what happened, but it’s less serious than other crimes of this nature that we’ve seen.  (Okay, at this point, I am ready to come out of my seat and attack his stupid attorney.  She was basically saying that, while he did attack me, it really wasn’t that bad.  All I could think was, that’s let him attack you and see if you think the same way.)

And then when you can throw in the fact it’s occurred because of his mental health issues, it just makes it far less serious and more understandable.  (I could never understand how she could say these words with a straight face.  Even today as I am writing this, it still pisses me off and I’d like to slap her silly for trying to defend his actions.)

If we really want to do something that will change the circumstances (can’t change them, they happened) and make sure that this doesn’t happen again, then we should give him probation.  (As I mentioned in a prior post, I knew this was a possibility, but hearing her say it in court was incredibly upsetting, especially after her minimizing the actual crime.)  He will not get any treatment while he is in custody if he is sentenced to prison.  He will not get supervision afterwards.  Nothing will change except for that he’ll be taken off the streets for some amount of time, then he’s going to be released and may even be worse because of his incarceration in prison than he was before he came in.  (Ah, let me think about this- off the streets?- sounds good to me.  And I will say at this point that I believe, in fact, if he lives through his prison experience, he will definitely be worse when he is released.  He will not only have been in prison for approximately 5 years, he will have been someone’s bitch, he’ll be extremely angry and he’ll be a much better criminal.  Believe me, I considered all of these things, and I struggled with it.  Ultimately, though, I came to the conclusion that his crimes deserved prison.)

So we are asking the court to impose probation, give him very intensive supervision requirements, and get him treatment and follow-up that will change things so that this sort of thing does not happen again in the future.  (He has had treatment in the past, and fat lot of good it did.  In fact, he was supposed to be headed for an inpatient treatment facility just days after my attack.  Decided to have a last blow-out before being committed by his family.  Interesting, huh?)

THE COURT:  Anything from the People?

D.A.:  Yes, Your Honor.  Your Honor, the People are asking the court to follow the recommendation of Probation (this is the Department of Probation, which is who, after reading all the police reports, and all the other information available, including my statement and the statement of the ‘Jane Doe,’ decides and recommends a sentence to the judge), not to be confused with plain old probation, which is what his stupid attorney thought he should get,) which is the six years maximum on this.  He is ineligible for probation.  And it is the People’s position that this is not an unusual case.

The Defense wants us to not consider the Static 99 that says that — told us that his risk of re-offending is moderate to high, and yet she’s provided us no alternative.  We don’t have a doctor’s report.  We don’t have one page of anything verifying any of these mental conditions he’s supposed to have.  All we have are facts of these cases.  (Interestingly enough, his attorney never bothered to actually get the psyche evaluation done.  Or if she did, it was so damaging that she chose not to include it, though her argument was based on his supposed mental condition.)

And when I say CASES, I mean two instances, a month apart; the first one in which he removed the bathing suit bottom of a young woman; and the second one in which he went further, he removed her bottom and got on top of her, straddled her.

And the only reason there weren’t more serious physical injuries, there was a good Samaritan there who intervened and stopped what surely would have been a rape of that victim, Miss Shriver, who is present in court.

The emotional injuries that both of these victims have suffered are lasting.  They continue today.  They will continue into the future.  And Miss Shriver will be addressing the Court.  She would like to address the court to share some of that.

In addition to this not being an unusual case, Your Honor, I think that here are some aggravants under the Rules of Court that should be mentioned that weren’t.

 One is the vulnerability of each of these victims under 4.421 (A) (3).  These were both women who were walking alone.  They were vulnerable  to an attack by this defendant because they were alone and didn’t have anyone to protect them except for, thank goodness, a good Samaritan who stepped in.

Also under 4. 421. (A) (8), Your Honor, the manner of the crime in the situation involving Miss Shriver, this defendant walked by her.  He walked by her.  They made eye contact.  She gave him a greeting, and he decided — he made a decision to come back around and attack her.

So he chose his victim in Miss Shriver, and he came back around and attacked her.  So there was certainly some planning and thought that took place before he pushed her down, removed her bottoms and got on top of her.

Also, 4.421.(A) (2), Your Honor, wasn’t mentioned.  And I think it is important to show that his — based on his criminal history that we know from the Probation Report (I have a copy of this Probation Report and I will be sharing things from it at a later date.  So I knew exactly what his criminal history was.) and these two acts, they were increasing in seriousness.  Because the first one, all he did was remove the pants from the victim and chickened out, or didn’t take it a step further.  But a month later he did take it a step further, and pushed her down, and he was on top of her.  So he is — his crimes did indeed increase in seriousness.

Alcohol, Your Honor, is certainly not an excuse for these crimes.  That doesn’t make this an unusual case.  (Cockroach boy claimed that he was drunk.  He may have been drinking the night before, but during the attack I never smelled alcohol on him and given the position we were in, I would have smelled it had it been present.)

And  —  oh, Your Honor, regarding circumstances in mitigation, there are very few.  And I think even when you look at what those factors are, they actually weigh against this particular defendant.  In particular 4.423 (A) (5), that the defendant had no predisposition to do that.  Again, we go back to the facts of this case.  He did it once, and then he took it further the second time.  And we’re just fortunate it didn’t go any further than it did with Miss Shriver because of the individual that stepped in and stopped it.

I do think that because he is statutorily ineligible, because the aggravants outweigh the mitigates, this should be a six-year case.  And I’d like the Court to hear from MIss Shriver as well.”

I’ll stop here for today.  It is long and a pain to type from the transcript.  As you can see, though, it was an incredibly difficult day.  Having to sit there and listen to his stupid attorney make light of what happened, to try to excuse it, was almost more than I could stand.

I will also mention here that this took place LAST year.  I am no longer in the same place emotionally that I was then.  I continue to get email from concerned friends and family members that I am still suffering from and not moving on from my attack.  I can assure you all that I am fine, great, in fact.  I am writing about my experience to help others and in the hope that I am somehow able to affect change in how sexual assault is perceived and dealt with.

SAFARI PARK HALF MARATHON 2012

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As I mentioned in a previous post, I was not doing a lot of writing during this time period. I was really suffering with my ‘brain damage’ and even the simplest tasks proved beyond my ability on most days. I was doing my best to train for my upcoming half-marathon, which was to be held on 6 May 2012 at the Safari Park Wild Animal Park in Escondido, California. So the following journal entries deal mostly with that.

27 April 2012

7a As it is the lat Friday of the month, it is time for the ‘Ladies With Sexy Guns’ (I think that’s what they sometimes call it) hiking group to get together and, well, hike. This morning we are going to hike the Pine Mountain Valley Loop, or something like that. The sun is out, so it should be a beautiful day. Since I’ve been cutting back on the St John’s Wort, I think I actually feel somewhat better. At least nothing has tripped me up and brought the feelings of hopelessness and despair in the last several days.

9:30p The hike was very nice, with high altitude (6000’+), sunny, not very strenuous nor very long. But after I got home, I was exhausted. I slept for over 2 hours and had a heck of a time waking up. Apparently the altitude was more of an issue than I realized.

28 April 2012

7a Had a rather sleepless night. Good, fast walk with Mike this morning, though. Our average speed was 13:30 per mile. Not bad. Just one more week until my race. Am I ready? I have to be.

5 May 2012

6:30a My period decided to make an (unwelcome) appearance. I have not had a period for 106 days and wasn’t expecting it. It does explain my crabbiness, general bloating and the headaches, though. Bill and I are doing yoga this morning and like he said, I can simply lie there and listen to Mike’s meditation if I do not feel well. [Note–This Mike I am speaking of here is yoga teacher Mike, not be confused with my walking friend Mike.]

6 May 2012

11:55p Can’t sleep, so I thought I’d come downstairs and write a bit. I am feeling better from this morning, though I am still kind of sore. Going down the stairs is a lot harder than going up.

My time was 2 hours and 43 minutes, which works out to 12min. 44sec. miles. Not too bad. When I did the Atlanta Half Marathon 11 1/1 years ago, my time was 2 hours and 57 minutes. Quite an improvement, I think. Best of all, Bill got up with me, took me to the race and was cheering for me as I crossed the finish line.

We had to nap this afternoon and as we were lying there, I said, “I don’t understand why I am so tired.” Bill said, “Duh! You got up at 4:45a, you didn’t sleep well, you’re on your period, and you just did a half marathon. Of course you are tired.” Oh.

Perhaps I should go back upstairs and try to sleep again.

9 May 2012

6:40a I keep thinking and hoping that one of these mornings I’m going to wake up and feel great, feel like my old self. What I’d really like to wake up feeling is the way I felt when I first moved to West Hollywood in 2001. I’m not sure anymore exactly how long I held on to ‘that’ feeling, but for at least for the entire year I lived there and for probably another 6 months or so after I moved here. I think it gradually faded over time and I never realized it was going away. I’m not sure what makes me think it will ever come back AND I remain ever hopeful that it will.

My legs are still pretty sore. I think yoga yesterday was a good idea and no walking for several days to let them rest/heal is also a god idea. I found out I did even better (time-wise) on the race than I thought. I did not take into consideration the fact that it took me 2 minutes to get to the starting line. My actual time was 2 hours and 41 minutes and my pace was 12:20 per mile!

 

As I also mentioned in a previous post, I was awaiting the arrival of a copy of the court transcript from the sentencing hearing. I finally received that and a couple more, very interesting, things have happened around my case in the last couple of weeks. I am doing my best to get my story our in chronological order before adding too much of what I now know. I will probably have to write about them and since they really have nothing to do with my healing process, I won’t be jumping ahead of myself in any way.

PLEASE SIGN THIS PETITION

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While on Facebook just now I came upon this post:

“CNN: Apologize on air for sympathizing with the Steubenville rapists.” on Change.org.

It’s important. Will you sign it too? Here’s the link:

http://www.change.org/petitions/cnn-apologize-on-air-for-sympathizing-with-the-steubenville-rapists

I know I haven’t done a post in several weeks.  I was out-of-town and have just been dragging my feet.  In my journal entries, I am almost to the sentencing hearing and, at the time, I wasn’t writing much.  I also had to get a copy of the court transcript from that hearing and finally talked to the court reporter yesterday.  With any luck, I should have that in my hands by the end of the week.  When I tell the story of that fiasco, I want to be sure to have the exact words that were said by cockroach boy’s attorney.  It was unbelievable, as you will see.

PUSHING THE ENVELOPE

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Before I get to my journal entries, I wanted to tell you that I have been pushing the envelope of darkness, so to speak.  I am still (mostly) afraid of the dark, and going out into it to walk, unless I am walking with someone, is not possible.  Or is it?  Lately, as it gets lighter earlier, I have been going out before it is actually light.  Okay, only by a couple of minutes and only because I know the sun is coming up and it will only get lighter and lighter.  And when I walked at 4:30a the other day with my friend Mike, I was able to meet him part way down my block.  Of course, I watch out the window and can see him turn up my street.  Still, it feels like progress.  I also remind myself of my friend Erin, who was raped 30 years ago in an attack that was similar to mine, in that she passed him, spoke to him and then he grabbed her from behind, and she walks in the dark, sometimes alone, almost every day.  And then there are the odds.  I mean, really, what are the odds of it happening again?  As they say, lightening doesn’t (usually) strike twice in the same place.  I am still very cautious, though.  I expect that at some point I may be able to walk in the dark again.  But maybe not.  And maybe I’ll just continue to push it a little more each day, but never too much.

 

Back to the past and my journal entries:

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Feeling rather crappy today and I’m not sure why.  There is no rhyme or reason to the ups and downs of my emotions.  I walked 6 miles and still feel bad.  I feel okay as I am actually walking and then when I stop, all the crap comes back full-force.  I just want the pain and awful feelings to stop.  Why are they being so difficult to release?

10:25a  Had my shower and cried the entire time.  I can’t believe how bad I am feeling.  I’m back in bed, hoping I can sleep and wake up feeling better.  The thoughts that keep running through my mind are disturbing, to say the least.  It’s like I am in a battle with a part of myself that is determined to make me give into it.  I feel like I cannot not tell anyone this, even Susie, but Monday when I was coming home from therapy, feeling really, really, really low, as I was coming across the bridge, I actually considered stopping, hell, I almost stopped and, well, at the very least would have caused the bridge to be shutdown.  As it turned out, Mike was 2 cars behind me, which I didn’t know until he came up right behind me at the light at Orange.  As far as I can remember, I’ve never come so close to doing something that I don’t think I really want to do.  I continue to fight that annoying part of me that just wants to leave, to check out.  I am trying so very hard not to give in.

11:20a And now I just feel like I’ve been beat.  The feeling of complete hopelessness goes away to be replaced by a feeling of overwhelming exhaustion.   All I can do is sleep.

 

Monday, 23 April 2012

“8:15a  It’s another marine-layery day.  How delightful.  Oh ,that’s right, not so much.  Like I need depressing weather when I am already in a depressed state of mind.

And the big question is – Am I being completely honest with Susie about how I am really feeling?  Not all of the time, but more than I think I should be.”                                               [ Note- I’m not sure what I was thinking when I wrote this.  And I wrote this prior to seeing Susie on this day.  At this point I had not told her what happened on the bridge.  I had not told anyone, including Bill.  And as a matter of fact, I did not tell him until some weeks later.  I was always afraid that if I was completely honest with Susie, she would have me committed to a mental hospital.  I did not write that afternoon when I got home from therapy.]

 

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

“5:30a  Had another very fast walk with Mike.  13 1/2 minute miles, which is pretty dang quick.  I’m planning on the 7:30a yoga class, so I am resting until it’s time to leave.

I am very hopeful that, once all of the stuff (SAMe, St. John’s Wort, and whatever that other pill I’ve been taking) is out of my system, Wellbutrin won’t be necessary.  I guess it’s a good thing that I told Susie what’s really going on with me since, it appears, the pills I was taking, at least the St. John’s Wort, was making me worse instead of better.  I just want to not feel like I do”.

 

So, the St. John’s Wort was making me suicidal.  I should clarify that.  It was making me even more suicidal.  Although I am not bipolar as my brother and my uncle are, it turns out I am in the bipolar spectrum and what that means is, just as there are certain drugs and/or supplements a person with bipolar disorder should never be given, someone who is in the bipolar spectrum has to be treated in the same way.   Had I not told my therapist what happened, there is no telling what I might have done.  As I said, I do not remember ever coming so close to doing something about my desire to leave this world.  It’s not like I ever had a plan or have ever thought much past the idea of not being here anymore.  This incident really scared me, and even though I did not tell Susie right away, I did tell her the next week.  She immediately knew it was what I was taking; something that was supposed to make me feel better, was making me so much worse.  I couldn’t just stop taking it, either.  I had to taper off of it.  Eventually, all of what I was taking got out of my system.  At that point, I was afraid to take anything.  My body has such weird reactions to medications and after this horrible episode, I didn’t trust anything.  In the end, I decided to go without any kind of medication.  Should I have tried a ‘real’ antidepressant?  Maybe, but I chose not to.  As I said in an earlier post, I thought that  I was not clinically depressed, but situationally depressed.  It was what I was going through and I felt like once I got through the therapy, I would be okay.  I was, however, open to it if Susie really thought I needed it.  I was lucky that I was being monitored and that I was finally honest with Susie.

ANOTHER PART OF THE (VERY LONG) PROCESS

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After coming out of shock, the fun was just beginning.  Believe me, I use the term ‘fun’ very sarcastically here.  As you will read in the next several entries from my journal, my initial conversation with the D.A. that precipitated my coming out of shock only served to confuse me further when I met with her the day before a scheduled hearing to see what was what and where everything stood at that point.  Really, I was a complete mess at this point in the process.

 

17 January 2012

I may have moved from shock to anger, but now I’m feeling a lot more depressed.  I am meeting with the D.A. today.  She needs to know who I am and that I am expecting her to do her absolute best to make sure cockroach boy pays for his crimes.  Oh, I definitely have mixed feelings about it all.  On the one hand, he violently attacked me and I KNOW he’ll do it again if he is not in jail.  I also know that in jail/prison he will just learn to be a better criminal and may do even worse things when he gets out.  So what’s the answer?  That I do NOT know.  And it turns out that cockroach boy apparently has bipolar disorder and Asperger’s Syndrome.  Oh well, doesn’t excuse his actions one little bit.

 

18 January 2012

Off to the fitness hearing.  Oh, joy.

 

20 January 2012

And more joy — the trial/case/whatever you want to call it is postponed/continued for another 8-10 weeks.  I don’t know the exact dates yet since the D.A. didn’t bother to call and let me know.

 

21 January 2012

6AM  Feeling very overwhelmed and depressed, like something very heavy is sitting on me. Mother’s suggestion – just don’t feel it.  Ah, okay.  If only it were that easy.  I’m feeling like I did when I was still in shock and had no control over what my body was doing.  All I could do was go along for the ride.  This is so much like when I came back from Spain and no one knew the true extent (hell, they didn’t have a clue) of how I was feeling.  No way am I telling Bill.  I feel like I have to ‘put on my happy face’ around him.  It’s not that he wouldn’t be supportive, but I’m not sure he’d understand, not really.  No one can.  I feel all alone.

 

23 January 2012

I actually feel like I am not going to make it, like this is all too much, that the ‘injury’ my brain has suffered is just one thing too many in a life full of one thing after the other, that it truly won’t get better in time, that all the EMDR is doing is stirring up all the old crap and nothing good will ever come from that.

We didn’t even get to the EMDR today.  Suzie gave me the brain assessment test again.  Turns out I’m depressed and I have excessive anxiety and I’m a little something else, which I forget.  Probably has something to do with memory.  I even saved getting my Sprinkles cupcake until this morning when I was leaving La Jolla to go to therapy.  Of course, I couldn’t eat it when I got it because I had an empty stomach and a cupcake on an empty stomach isn’t such a good idea.  So I waited until I got home and ate lunch.  Then I finally ate it.  It didn’t taste so good to me.  Maybe I’ve reached my cupcake limit.

I can feel my heart beating ad I can tell my breathing is not right.  Also, I think Emily is pretty close to dying.  I held her when I got home.  She did purr for me but she won’t eat.  I told her it’s okay if she leaves.  I also asked God to let her go to sleep and not wake up.  It’s not that I want her to die, it’s just that I cannot take her to the vet and have her put to sleep.  I don’t think she would want that.  I just need for her not to wake up.  I can just add that to my PTSD list.  Her death, I mean.

 

24 January 2012

6:30AM  I can feel myself sinking further and further into the hole.  It’s just like when I was feeling that my brain wasn’t working properly and there was nothing I could do about it.  It’s a terrible feeling.

 

25 January 2012

I knew Emily would not be alive this morning.

 

27 January 2012

Still keep looking out the window to see Emily in her chair and when I slept until 7:30 this morning, I thought, gotta get up to feed Emily.  Can’t believe she’s really gone.

 

28 January 2012

It is so weird to NOT have to get up to feed Emily.  She is my first thought each morning.

Today is my 5th day of taking SAMe.  Do I feel better?  No idea.  It’s probably too soon to have kicked in, anyway.  It is sunny today, which does help, and it’s supposed to be 80 degrees.  That really helps.

 

So as you can see, I had a lot going on.  Dealing with my 20-year-old cat dying was just another added thing I clearly did not need.  And even though it has been a year now since she died, every time I come through my back gate, I turn to look at her chair, expecting, I guess, to see her waiting there.  I did bury her in my backyard, so I can ‘visit’ her whenever I feel like it.  It’s not the same as having her here.  Not even close.

Another strange thing is happening to me.  The other day I was talking with a friend I had not seen in something like 7 or 8 months and she was asking about the sentencing and all that had transpired since we last sat down and really talked.  I had trouble remembering the details, which, of course, at the time I thought I’d never forget.  I said to her that I hoped I had written about that experience.  Turns out I didn’t.  It is funny how our minds work, whether it is to protect us or to keep us safe in some way.  That’s why I think the retelling of what happened to me and how I felt at the time is so important.  What is also nice to know, is that I was able to completely heal from this.  I think I may have mentioned before that when I read or tell my story now, it seems like I am talking about someone else.  I feel a sense of sadness and empathy, but it doesn’t feel like it’s me.  I guess that’s good.  And my EMDR really worked the way it is meant to work.  (Thanks, Susie!)

IT SURE TOOK A LONG

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From my journal, 12 January 2012…

“It is official – I have moved (FINALLY) from shock to anger.  And boy and I angry!!!!!!!!! I am so mad that it took me so long to get to this stage; that it happened to me at all; that I have felt pretty much nothing for the last 15 weeks; that we live in a society that would allow and produce people like cockroach boy; that I have been stuck on so many levels for so long; that all I did yesterday was cry; that I was unable to cry for the last 15 weeks; that we may have to go to court and have an actual trial; that his attorney will try to make this my fault (HA); that it is her job to do that to me; that I haven’t been able to walk for 15 weeks; that I got fat (okay, just a little pudgy, but I FEEL fat) because I was unable to walk; that I had to join the gym in order to be able to get any exercise; that I have been in extreme pain for at lest the last 10 weeks, maybe longer; that I am not supposed to talk about my experience because anything I say can be used against ME in a court of law; that I did nothing to incur this attack; that most people have no clue what I’ve been going through and will continue to go through for at least a little while longer; that I no longer trust people in general; that I look upon every man and teenage boy as a potential attacker; that I have been unable to work; that I even consider breaking up with Bill because of the craziness I feel; that I cannot immediately jump into my new project because I might jeopardize my case; that I no longer feel safe in Coronado; that I want to leave where I have lived for the last (almost) 10 years; and there are probably 100s more things that I am mad about, but for now, this will have to suffice.”

I actually typed this rant at the time because, as mad as I was, I knew I could never write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts.  It is almost comical, now, the things that I thought at the time.  I really had no idea of how long it would actually take me to process, deal with and get through it all.  And the thing that brought me out of shock was talking with the D.A. assigned to the case.  It completely freaked me out when she told me that we would be going to court because she had to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he was guilty, that she had to prove his intent was to rape me, that she had to prove this to 12 people on a jury.   Well, I simply lost it right then on the phone with her.  I was so upset. (On the one hand, I was happy that I was finally crying, but on the other, I was better able to understand just what I was dealing with.  And it sucked.)  I thought, what do you mean you have to prove he’s guilty?  I know he’s guilty, I was there, I’m the one he brutally attacked.  And you have to prove his intention was rape?  Well, what do you think it was?  To have a tea party?  He ripped my clothes off.  Where is the doubt in that action alone?  Believe me, I understand that criminals (I use this word purposely.) are innocent until proven guilty in this country; what I don’t understand is why the alleged perpetrator is given all the rights and the victim of the crime, in this case ME, is treated as though she is the criminal and has done something wrong.   Oh, it was very eye-opening and not in a good way.  Part of what took me so long to recover was the repeated trauma I suffered when dealing with the D.A.  I always felt victimized after speaking with or meeting with her in person.  Even though she said she was on my side, I certainly never felt that.  And the truth was, she was the attorney for the city or state or whomever, she was NOT my attorney.  I didn’t have an attorney, though she was always happy to point out to me that it was my right to hire my own attorney.  So, let me get this right: I was the victim of a violent, attempted rape and if I want to be protected I need to pay money for this privilege?  I’m the one who was harmed here, not cockroach boy.  And I am not automatically protected?  See what I mean?  This is but one small example of how it went for me.

Something to keep in mind, too, is up to this point, we still had not gone to court.  His attorney kept getting a continuance, ostensibly because she (or he, I was never clear on this) hadn’t had time to get his psych evaluation done.  Okay, I also get how overworked the public defenders are, but, really, it’s not like cockroach boy was busy.  As far as I was concerned, he was having a merry old time in jail.  Maybe jail isn’t fun, but he chose to go to jail by attacking me.  He was getting fed each day, he didn’t have to work, he had television and internet privileges. Does that sound like he was suffering in jail?  I don’t think so.  And even if he was, too flipping bad.  I’ll say it again;  HE CHOSE to go there.

I will get more into this in my next post.

EMDR

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I keep referring to EMDR and haven’t yet really explained what that means.  The following information regarding Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is quoted from literature entitled “What is EMDR” published by the EMDR International Association in 2004:

“HOW WAS EMDR DEVELOPED?

In 1987, psychologist Dr. Francine Shapiro made the chance observation that eye movements can reduce the intensity of disturbing thoughts, under certain conditions.  Dr. Shapiro studied this effect scientifically and in a 1989 issue of the Journal of Traumatic Stress, she reported success using EMDR to treat victims of trauma.  Since then, EMDR has developed and evolved through the contributions of therapists and researchers all over the world.  Today, EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches.

HOW DOES EMDR WORK?

No one knows how any form of psychotherapy work neurobiologically or in the brain.  However, we do know that when a person is very upset, their brain cannot process information as it does ordinarily.  One moment becomes ‘frozen in time’ and remembering a trauma may feel as bad as going through it the first time because the images, sounds, smells and feelings haven’t changed.  Such memories have a lasting negative effect that interferes with the way a person sees the world and the way they relate to other people.

EMDR seems to have a direct effect on the day the brain processes information.  Normal information processing is resumed, so following a successful EMDR session, a person no longer relives the images, sounds and feelings when the event is brought to mind.  You still remember what happened, but it is less upsetting.  Many types of therapy have similar goals.  However, EMDR appears to be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.  Therefore, EMDR can be thought of as a physiologically based therapy that helps a person see disturbing material in a new and less distressing way.

BUT DOES EMDR REALLY WORK?

Approximately 20 controlled studies have investigated the effects of EMDR.  These studies have consistently found that EMDR effectively decreased/eliminates the symptoms of PTSD for the majority of clients.  Clients often report improvement in other associated symptoms such as anxiety.  The current treatment guidelines of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies designate EMDR as an effective treatment for post traumatic stress, as have the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs and Department of Defense, the United Kingdom Department of Health, the Israeli National Council for Mental Health, and many other international health and government agencies.  Research has shown that EMDR can be an efficient and rapid treatment.  For further references, a bibliography of research may be found through EMDR International Association’s web site, www.emdria.org.

WHAT IS THE ACTUAL EMDR SESSION LIKE?

During EMDR, the therapist works with the client to identify a specific problem as the focus of the treatment session.  The client calls to mind the disturbing issue or event, what was seen, felt, heard, thought, etc., and what thoughts an beliefs are currently held about that event.  The therapist facilitates the directional movement of the eyes or other bilateral stimulation of the brain, while the client focuses on the disturbing material, and the client just notices whatever comes to mind without making any effort to control direction or content.  Each person will process information uniquely, based on personal experiences and values.  Sets of eye movement are continued until the memory becomes less disturbing, and is associated with positive thoughts and beliefs about one’s self; for example, “I did the best I could.”  During EMDR, the client may experience intense emotions, but by the end of the session, most people report a great reduction in the level of disturbance.

HOW LONG DOES EMDR TAKE? 

One or more sessions are required for the therapist to understand the nature of the problem and to decide whether EMDR is an appropriate treatment.  The therapist will also discuss  EMDR more fully and provide the opportunity to answer questions about the method.  Once therapist and client have agreed that EMDR is appropriate for a specific problem, the actual EMDR therapy may begin.

 

WHAT KINDS OF PROBLEMS CAN EMDR TREAT?

Scientific research has established EMDR as effective for post traumatic stress disorder.  However, clinicians have also reported success using EMDR in treatment of the following conditions:

Panic attacks, Complicated grief, Dissociative disorders, Disturbing memories, Phobias, Pain disorders, Eating disorders, Performance anxiety, Stress reduction, Addictions, Sexual and/or physical abuse, Body dysmorphic disorders, Personality disorders”

 

As you can see, EMDR can be used for all kinds of ‘disorders,’ not just PTSD.  Most of what I’ve just shared with you here is fairly dry and clinical.  It is an overview more than anything else.  Even having been through EMDR treatment, I still have a hard time explaining it.  All I know is it WORKED.  In my next post I will go through each of the main points brought out and tell you what MY experience was.  All I’ll say right now is it was the most difficult and challenging thing I’ve ever had to do AND had I not done it, well, at the very least, I would not be sharing this with you.  I never felt that I had a choice in getting treatment for the PTSD I suffered as a result of my attack.  Okay, I did have a choice, but I felt like I didn’t. I KNEW I had to do it, however much I disliked it and no matter how hard it was and no matter what else it brought up.  The good thing, though, is that it cleared out ALL of the crap that I was still carrying around since childhood.

 

 

10 NOVEMBER 2011

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From my journal…

“I feel like I am a ticking time-bomb and I am not sure when I’ll explode.  Mostly, I feel okay, and, at times, I can even ‘forget’ about what’s really going on.  What makes this so hard is not knowing when things will happen.  I put this quote on my Facebook this morning:

“There is sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousands tongues.  They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.”  ~Washington Irving

If this is true, that tears are not a sign of weakness, but one of power, then I must be the weakest person on the planet.  I certainly do not feel like I have any power at all.  I have understood for a long time that I have no control over anything but my reaction to things.  In this case, I can’t even control my reaction because my brain chemistry is all messed up.  I feel more out of control than ever.  And I look fine to the outside world.  When I look in the mirror I still don’t see the real me.  I’m not sure where she is.  Perhaps locked away until it is safe to reemerge?

Kim recommended I watch some YouTube videos about sexual assault in the military.  The one thing I took away from “Angie’s Story’ was her saying that PTSD does NOT go away on its own, that without help, you will always suffer.  Also, that it took a year (oh, crap) for her symptoms to fully manifest.  So then I think, okay, fine, I’ll just go about my life until that happens, except that isn’t how it’s working.  It’s like I am half in, half out. I can’t move forward, I can’t pretend or will myself past this, so I sit, stuck in the now.  The fact that I get out of bed every day is quite an accomplishment because all I really want to do is stay there.  Right now, the symptoms I do have are manifesting themselves as depression, though I am not depressed.  Going on an anti-depressant doesn’t seem the way to go because it will be masking the very feelings I need to feel in order to move through the trauma.  Talk about a catch-22.

And then I go back to the fact that I wasn’t actually raped, that, really, I wasn’t hurt very badly at all, that physically I’m healed, so why aren’t I healed emotionally and mentally?

I am so close to starting to write about this on my A Little of This That and the Other blog.  I feel like I am alone and I know that’s crazy.  I am feeling an overwhelming urge to talk and write about this on a much larger scale than I have already.  I think the biggest ‘issue’ I am having is reconciling what is going on with what I believe.  If I believe everything happens for a reason, that there are no mistakes, no accidents or no coincidences, then what happened, happened for a reason.  That I can accept.  And I’m pretty sure the reason is to move me to the next chapter in my life.  I get that, and can even be grateful.  What I am NOT getting  is why I cannot override the negative with the positive?  Why, even as I’m saying the words, the opposite feelings are what keep showing up?  Why I am unable to ‘will’ what it is I want?  Why, if our thoughts create our future, that what I think today, creates my tomorrow, what thoughts did I think to bring this violence into my life?  I KNOW I never thought these thoughts.  And, really, how much trauma can I possibly endure without checking out completely?  Yes, I am determined to stick around AND I can’t help but think I have already passed my breaking point, and so far, have been stronger than that very small part of me that doesn’t want to stay, that doesn’t want to be here.   When does it get better?  When does the pain stop?  All I can think right now is the pain is so unbearably acute  that I can’t feel it at all, that that’s the reason I’m not crying, the reason I can’t allow myself to feel anything.  For now, I guess that going through the motions is as much an accomplishment as anything.  I am doing the best I can and I feel like I’m not doing much of anything.  Round and round I go.

9:45a  What if I really don’t deserve to be happy?  What if only certain people are destined to have all they want and the vast majority are meant to lead lives of mediocrity? To be forever searching, but never finding?  To always be mostly unhappy?  This is a world that I do NOT want to live in and a reality that I cannot, no WILL NOT, accept.  With God, all things are possible.  It doesn’t say, with God, some things are possible or a few things or even most things.  It says ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.  I have to believe this.  I cannot, and will not, let one incident in my entire life determine or dictate who I am and how I’ll live the rest of my life.  No way, not how.  And still, I wonder…

12 noon – Well, I did it.  I made it official.  I posted on my blog, came out to the world, so to speak.  I declared my intention to write, although I mentioned photography first, and then writing.  No matter, it’s out.”

 

It’s funny, in an interesting, ironic way, that I ‘came out’ about my desire and intention to write, but made no mention of the impetus behind it.  And going through my journal of that time last year is actually a lot more difficult that I thought it would be.  At the time, I both knew and didn’t have a clue as to what I was really going through.  I so wanted to be healed and finished with the entire process, never realizing that length of time it would ultimately take.  Looking back, I think I thought if I didn’t ‘hurry up and get better’ that that meant I was weak or that there was something far worse wrong with me than ‘just’ having been sexually assaulted.  Remember, this was only 5 weeks or so after the attack.  And one of the things that did come out in therapy was my tendency to be incredibly hard on myself.  I cut myself no slack.  I thought if I wasn’t perfect, no one would stick around.  It took me a while to, first of all, even understand it, and secondly, to start being more gentle and loving to myself.  Something far worse came out, as well, and that was the hatred (yes, a real hatred) of myself that I wasn’t even aware of.  I would have laughed if you had told me I actually hated myself.  Turns out, I did.  There are reasons why that manifested and I will get into them at a later date.  For now, suffice it to say that this made my healing from the attack that much more difficult.  In the end, though, I did what I had to and worked through it and was able to put that piece behind me.  I’m telling you that EMDR is the most amazing thing.  Without it, I certainly would not be where I am today.  That is also a subject for another day.