I realize that some of these journal entries are kind of hard to read, and, unfortunately, they get worse before, finally, getting better. The good news is they were written a year ago and I am MUCH better. I’ve been through 14 months of EMDR and dealt with all those really negative thoughts and beliefs. A large part of WHY I am sharing all of this is to let you know that healing IS possible and even the darkest days will eventually become light-filled again.
12 November 2011
“Woke up at 4a, got up to go to the bathroom and it was just beginning to sprinkle. It rained steadily, and sometimes heavily, for the last 4 hours. That’s good as we always need rain. Sure wish Bill was here (instead of Hawaii) so we could lazily wile away the morning cuddled in bed. Alas, he’s not here and I would love to accomplish something today. Perhaps a movie this morning? Not exactly an accomplishment and certainly won’t do anything to further my work. I guess I am listening to my brain/body, though. At least that’s what I am telling myself. I so want to finish the bumper and crib skirt and move on to my next waiting job. I only make it harder on myself my NOT working. Like I told Bill last night, I know I am capable of working even when I am clinically depressed because I did it before and I’m not even depressed now. I do understand there is more going on right now in my head and I truly cannot control how I am feeling. Even with the best of intentions, I can’t seem to overcome what’s happening and that is the most frustrating of all.
9:20a Feeling really weird, like I could walk off into the ‘sunset,’ never to be seen again. When I feel like this, should I stay at home where I think I am safe or should I try to get myself out of this feeling by leaving the house and going to a very public place like Fashion Valley and the movie theatre? It’s so weird and for no reason the bad feelings crash over me like waves on a stormy beach. Wave after wave of really shitty feelings. No one can possibly understand unless they’ve been through it. I think that’s the hardest and worst part, feeling like I am alone in this. I’m thinking I should get out, that staying here will only intensify the negative feelings. I think I’ll go see a comedy because anything else will most likely have a detrimental effect on me. Sure don’t need that.
11:13p It is getting harder and harder to go to sleep for me. I keep seeing things I don’t want to see when I shut my eyes. I usually can override those images with the ho’oponopono releasing technique, but it doesn’t always work lately. I’m getting afraid to go to sleep, afraid of the dreams I may have. And what’s with dreaming about Andy* so much? It’s too bad I can’t work instead of sleeping. That would be ideal. Perhaps one of these days I’ll start doing that, substituting sleep with work. My clients sure would appreciate it.
Talking to Bill on the phone, especially when he’s out-of-town, is just not as satisfying as talking to him in person. I think some of the closeness I feel when we are together gets lost in translation, over the wires, if you will. 3 more days until he comes home. Can’t wait and I hope he doesn’t have any more trips planned that don’t include me.”
*A note — Andy was my youngest brother. He died suddenly, and very unexpectedly, on 14 June 2011. And at this point I had yet to really grieve for him. Not sure if I really have even now.