It has been quite a long time since I last posted. My life has gone in different directions, so much has happened and through it all, my sexual assault was never far from my mind. I have done an incredible amount of work around it and finally felt like I had gotten to place of inner peace. And then BAM!

On Saturday evening, 5 October 2024 I was taking my usual after dinner stroll around our complex. I alternate which way I walk around: one day I got counterclockwise and the next, clockwise. It was time to go clockwise, and I did hesitate going this way because I did not wish to see a certain man that I had talked to a few days earlier about nothing in particular, just neighborly chit-chat At that time I did not get any sense that he was anything other than the husband of someone I know by sight and to wave to when passing on the street in the morning. Anyway, I did NOT listen to my intuition and went clockwise. I passed by their townhouse and, luckily he was not outside so I thought I had dodged seeing him again. I continued on my way and as I was on the other side of the pond, I noticed that he was suddenly there. I was a little surprised and bummed but, again, no negative vibes to speak of. He walked up to me and told me that he had seen me walk by his house (I know this is because he was watching for me as will become clear in a moment.) and wanted to talk to/see me. He then said that he had been thinking about me ever since we had talked a several days earlier. I thought this was kind of strange and didn’t quite know what to say to that. He then told me that he found me to be so beautiful. (Weird, but whatever.) I said thank you and tried to change the subject. I’m not typically walking around thinking that people have ulterior motives. And he then flat out says this to me: “So, are you into being promiscuous?” I immediately said, “NO, never, I have never been like that. NO.” I was shocked to say the least and really wanted to not be there anymore while at the same time trying to defuse a situation that was quickly going in a direction I could never have anticipated. If he had just stopped then when I so clearly said NO, it would still have been creepy and inappropriate, but unfortunately, that’s not how he handled it. I guess I kind of froze, while still attempting to change the tone of the encounter. He didn’t stop. He kept talking, saying thinking like, “I can’t stop thinking about you,” “I love looking at you,” “…if you ever change your mind…” I got more and more uncomfortable and kept attempting to walk away. He kind of wasn’t allowing that to happen. I said that I needed to leave, that I had to get my steps in. He kept following me and asking me to come over to his house just so he could look at me. At this point I was super freaked out. As I finally was able to distance myself from him and continue down the sidewalk, he mentioned that he wasn’t a murderer or a rapist. I then told him that I was finding all of this so disconcerting and that I was sexually assault in 2011. That seemed to shut him up. I suppose he went home but I have no idea, nor do I care.

The real problem with this is that just as during my attack, I pretty much shut down and though I am able to more or less function and do what needs to be done, after I am out of immediate danger, I start to realize what actually happened. I understand that he is a predator and he did follow me. He was waiting for me to walk by so that he could proposition me. For the life of me, I cannot understand why he thought I would ever say yes to something like that. I guarantee you that I did not flirt with or in any other way give him any kind of sign or idea that I wanted anything from him, and certainly not sex. How could talking to a man about ordinary things could ever be construed as an invitation for more than just a simple conversation? This makes me want to hide in my house and not come out.

However, very luckily for me, I have amazing girlfriends and an amazing spiritual community who were more than willing to help me when I reached out. I am happy to say that all the conversations I had on Saturday night and Sunday morning and then at church all who contributed to keeping me from spiraling down into a place I have no intention of ever going to again made all the difference. I then did tapping (EFT) with another church friend and as we worked through the trauma and sadness and the anger, I was able to come through it without losing myself. I slept well that night and woke up on Monday feeling pretty good. I feel clear of the event. For me, this is HUGE. As I said before, I have had so much therapy and know so many techniques and other things that help me, and not least of all ASKING for the help I needed. Because of this, I am good. I will most definitely not be walking by that townhouse again, which is an easy enough thing to do. What I hate the most about this whole situation is that I live in a country where this is pretty much the norm. That it can happen at all is just gross. I don’t think I will ever understand why men think it is okay to do and say things like this. I hate that I have to be vigilant all the time, but I do, as all women do.

This is not the end of the story, so stay tuned.